How to end a long-term relationship without causing lasting damage

Cathi Hanauer co-founded The New York Times’ “Modern Love” column with her husband, Daniel Jones in 2004. Every week, readers learn about the complexities, the highs and lows, the hurts and triumphs of everyday relationships from personal essays submitted and edited by Jones.

Hanauer’s own guest essay titled, “The Case for Ending a Long, Mostly Good Marriage,” struck a nerve. In it, she revealed that she and her husband had separated after 33 years of marriage. Perhaps what was most shocking was that the split was amicable — both agreed that it was time to move on, though she writes that it was initially difficult for their kids, parents and friends to understand. The response from readers has been almost universally harsh. I should add that they are living separate lives and are not technically divorced, for tax and health insurance reasons.

About 40% of marriages in the US will end in divorce, many leaving behind a wake of hurt, anger and unresolved conflicts. On The Connection this week: how to end a long- term relationship without causing such lasting damage.

We’ll begin our conversation with Cathi Hanauer and then talk with psychotherapist and advice columnist Lori Gottlieb.