A fair and balanced fantasy: Debate questions Fox News would love to ask

At Fox News, the Republican party’s infauxtainment outlet, tonight’s debate moderators are working hard to craft purportedly tough questions for the 10 men who’ve made the prime-time cut. But we all know that if the Fox Newsers were freed up to fully indulge the network’s institutional id, to amplify its echo chamber, to marinate inside the bubble, they’d surely posit their dream questions. For instance…

In the name of freedom, should all movie-goers bring their handguns to the theatre? Or are military assault weapons the more prudent option for movie theatre defense?

Some Republicans are saying that unless we defund Planned Parenthood, they will shut down the federal government this fall. Why is a shutdown the best way to kick-start Obama’s job-killing economy and restore respect for America around the world?

Which Supreme Court rulings should be obeyed and applauded, because, after all, the justices have had the final say on the U.S. Constitution since 1803 – and which rulings should be defied and denounced, because the unelected tyrants have fallen prey to the homosexual agenda?

Show of hands: How many of you would support a constitutional amendment requiring public school teachers to debunk the controversial theory of climate change?

After you kill Obama’s nuclear deal on Day One and start bombing Iran, how soon will we know that it’s going to be a cakewalk?

When should Benjamin Netanyahu’s face be carved on Mount Rushmore?

Mr. Trump says he wants to deport all 11 million undocumented immigrants. He says “we will find them, we will get them out.” Governor Walker agrees. So, a question for all of you: What’s the best way to take back America? Should we take the big-government money currently spent on solar power, and use it for deportation cattle cars? And would it be fiscally wasteful to provide air conditioning?

Who here promises to place his testicles in a Koch brothers lockbox?

If you were a scary animal – let’s say, a big-government behemoth – what kind of terrifying sound would you make?

How soon will Ronald Reagan replace some woman on the 10-dollar bill?

Will you pledge to go to Benghazi the day after you’re sworn in? Name 10 reasons why you will.

If there’s an economic downturn during your administration, in what ways will Obama deserve the blame?

Should judges mete out tough mandatory sentences to secular liberals who persist in waging their war on Christmas?

How speedily should we take all the big government money currently wasted on women’s reproductive health issues, and shift it to the fight against invading Mexican rapists?

On the topic of repealing Obamacare, has God counseled any of you on how this can best be achieved? Has He texted any of you about this? Would He start by eliminating the death panels that have killed thousands?

In your administration, should members of the New Black Panthers be barred from enjoying the massive tax cuts that will unleash the dynamism of the American economy?

Our invasion of Iraq was unfortunate, and Obama never should’ve launched it. Can you guarantee that America’s future textbooks will detail his warmongering overreach?

How closely do you plan to surveil Obama once he’s out of office? How much federal expenditure do you believe is necessary to ensure that he won’t be sponsoring terrorism in the homeland?

This week, Sen. Cruz released a video that shows him cooking “machine gun bacon” on the barrel of an AR-15 rifle. Then he eats the bacon. What about the rest of you? What gun recipes would you offer to the women in the kitchens of America? Would bullets give a kale salad a crunchier taste?

How fervently will you demand that Planned Parenthood forfeit all its assets and office furniture to the National Rifle Association?

Show of hands: Who here believes that the Koch brothers’ forebears wrote the U.S. Constitution? Who here believes it was Jesus?

 

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