Ring out the old year by taking the 2014 Crazy Quiz! No fair Googling or peeking at the answers!
1. Who said, “I’m asking for forgiveness from God”?
a) Mark Sanford, after breaking up with the Argentinian mistress who had broken up his marriage
b) Bristol Palin, after beating up a girl at an Alaskan house party
c) Vance McAllister, family-values GOPer, after he was caught on video making out with a friend’s wife
d) Ted Nugent, after he called Obama a “subhuman mongrel”
e) Bob McConnell, disgraced Virginia governor, after he took lavish gifts from a vitamin huckster
2. Tax deadbeat Cliven Bundy was an instant right-wing hero – until he exposed his true self by insisting…
a) that “wetbacks” were to blame for his hatred of government
b) that “the Negro” would be “better off as slaves, picking cotton”
c) that he agreed with Ted Nugent about Obama
d) that guns should be mandatory student accessories in public schools
3. Speaking of guns, it was another great year for Freedom. Which of these incidents did not happen in 2014?
a) Toddler fatally shoots his Oklahoma mom while mom is changing his sister’s diaper
b) Toddler fatally shoots his Idaho mom while mom is shopping in Wal-Mart
c) Movie-goer in Florida fatally shoots a nearby guy for texting during the trailers
d) 9-year-old girl in Arizona fatally shoots a guy who was showing her how to fire an Uzi
e) 5-year-old boy in Kentucky fatally shoots 2-year-old sister with rifle he got as a gift
f) 2-year-old boy in Philadelphia fatally shoots 11-year-old sister with mom’s boyfriend’s gun
4. True or false: The federal investigator of the Secret Service prostitute scandal was forced to resign after a prostitute told cops that the federal investigator had paid her for sex.
5. Alison Grimes, the failed Kentucky Democratic senatorial candidate and winner of this year’s Profile in Courage award, refused to say whether she had voted for Obama in 2008. Her sound bite:
a) “I respect the sanctity of the ballot box.”
b) “I spent that day proudly shoveling coal.”
c) “Every American, myself included, has the right to invoke the Fifth Amendment.”
d) “The president lost Kentucky that day with or without me.”
e) “I proudly spent that day shooting at a gun range.”
6. Which of these mindless right-wing complaints about Obama “demeaning the presidency” was not voiced in 2014?
a) His tan summer suit
b) His salute while holding a coffee cup
c) His bored-looking daughters on Turkey Pardon Day
d) His use of colloquial lingo (“fight like heck” and “screw up”) in a college commencement speech
e) His deadpan Between the Ferns gig with Zach Galifianakis
7. On the air, Fox News host Andrea Tantaros gushed, “The United States is awesome! We are awesome!” What American awesomeness was she so heatedly defending?
a) Our 300 million guns currently in national circulation
b) Our status as a top global producer of fossil fuel pollution
c) Our rectal feeding, and general torturing, of terrorist suspects
d) Our undiminished fanboy love for the National Football League
e) All of the above
8. Tea-party extremists in Mississippi, seeking to unseat establishment Republican Thad Cochran, decided to go after the senator’s wife. They invaded her privacy and captured her on video…
a) in her living room, watching Rachel Maddow on MSNBC
b) in her bedroom, dancing to rap music in her underwear
c) in her den, reading Obama’s Dreams from My Father
d) in her nursing home, languishing semi-comatose
e) in her kitchen, unpacking liberal groceries from Whole Foods
9. True or false: Democrat Ed Fitzgerald’s Ohio gubernatorial candidacy imploded after voters learned that he’d been seen in a parking lot at 4:30 a.m. with a woman not his wife – and that he’d been driving without a valid license for five years.
10. On CNN, gaffe machine Don Lemon said, “I know it’s preposterous, but is it preposterous?” He then speculated that…
a) Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 had been swallowed by a black hole
b) the violent Ferguson protestors were high on marijuana
c) Bill Cosby’s accusers should’ve used their teeth on his private parts
d) ISIS fighters could invade America via Mexico with vials of Ebola
11. When Hillary Clinton spoke in Vegas, someone in the audience threw a shoe at her. Within hours, various scholars on the Republican right assessed the incident. Match these wingnuts – Herman Cain, Dan Calabrese, Arthur Louis, Rush Limbaugh – to their wingnut remarks:
a) “I think it was staged, or set up, or whatever. Maybe it’s (her) attempt to make the Benghazi people look like nuts and lunatics and wackos.”
b) “Hmm…Fakery from the Clintons? That Hillary shoe-throwing thing does look kind of fake, huh?”
c) “It would not be stretching logic to suppose that Hillary arranged to have the show thrown at her…she may have calculated that this would make her seem presidential.”
d) “Is it outlandish to suggest Hillary Clinton would pull a stunt that is totally fake if she thinks it would help her political fortunes?”
Bonus: Which wingnut added the caveat, “I’m only guessing, of course”?
12. True or false: Thanks to the GOP’s Senate takeover, the new chair of the committee that oversees climate change policy is James Inhofe, who quotes a Bible verse from Leviticus as proof that there’s no such thing as manmade climate change: “‘As long as the earth remains there will be seed time and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, day and night.’ My point is, God’s still up there. The arrogance of people to think that we, human beings, would be able to change what He is doing in the climate is to me outrageous.”
13. Fox News’ talking heads still luv Benghazi – for any and all occasions. Some of these ’14 remarks were real. Which ones?
a) The grief of the Malaysia Airlines families “feels like the families of Benghazi.”
b) The CDC and czar Ron Klain have made us vulnerable to Ebola, “like the way Obama left those brave Americans exposed in Benghazi.”
c) The Secret Service’s failure to secure the White House door reminds us of “another asset we didn’t protect, the outpost in Benghazi.”
d) Harry Reid should leave the Washington Redskins alone, and instead “talk about Benghazi.”
e) Chris Christie’s inattentiveness may have fueled Bridgegate – and speaking of inattentivess, “we see that with Benghazi.”
f) Re the NFL domestic violence scandals: “Imagine if everyone that asked for transparency in the NFL demanded that same transparency in our government for Benghazi.”
14. Obama badly underestimated ISIS. As he told The New Yorker earlier this year…
a) “Just because they can charge downfield like the Chicago Bears, doesn’t mean they can score.”
b) “A double-A baseball team can’t win the World Series.”
c) “They’d never get past the first round of March Madness.”
d) “If a JV team puts on Lakers uniforms, that doesn’t make them Kobe Bryant.”
15. True or false: With Obama in the White House and the GOP controlling Capitol Hill, we’re poised to welcome a new era of bipartisan comity.
Answers: 1. (c) 2. (b) 3. (e, which happened in 2013) 4. True 5. (a) 6. (d, which happened in 2013) 7. (c) 8. (d) 9. (False. It was actually 10 years.) 10. (a, but on separate occasions he did say b and c) 11. Cain-b, Calabrese-d, Louis-c, Limbaugh-a, Bonus-Louis 12. False (he quotes Genesis 8:22) 13. They’re all real except (b) 14. d 15. Surely you jest.
During a computer crash (don’t ask), question 12 somehow disappeared. It has now been restored. And I tweaked the answer to number 13. Party safely tonight!