Thanksgiving dinner with the Democrats

    “I am thankful that we are gathered here tonight, in this place, on this holiday,” President Obama intoned. “I am pleased to be joined at this table by so many members of our extended Democratic family. It speaks to our greatness as a nation. It reaffirms our enduring spirit, the God-given promise that all Americans are equal, all are free, all deserve a chance to pursue their measure of happiness – “

    “Jeez, put a cork in it already.”

    “Shut up, Schumer.”

    “Make me.”

    “Look, we’ve gathered here because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances – “

    “Just cut that turkey so we can eat and get outta here.”

    “You got something you want to say to me, Schumer?”

    “I already said it this week at the National Press Club. Chuck Schumer is done with you, Mr. ‘President.’ You blew the opportunity the American people gave you in ’09. You focused on the wrong problem – health care. You helped the uninsured, yeah so what. The uninsured don’t vote! They’re a small percentage of the electorate! Meanwhile, you didn’t do squat for the middle class…Hey, who’s this guy tugging my arm? Chuck Schumer isn’t finished talking yet!”

    “Jon Favreau, senator. When I was the president’s speechwriter back in ’09 and ’10, you privately and publicly championed health care reform. Funny, I don’t remember you complaining then the way you are today. Why don’t you go off somewhere and suck on your sour grapes?”

    “I said I wasn’t finished yet. The middle class voters killed us in the ’10 and ’14 midterms, your pal Obama lost a ton of Democratic senators, and you know what? He’s made it tougher for Chuck Schumer to become Majority Leader some day. What do you say to that, Obama?”

    “In the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit….And speaking of spirit, I wish to recognize, down at the end of the table, our distinguished House leader, who is currently passing the yams. Nancy Pelosi.”

    “Thank you, sir. It’s so typical of Democrats to start knifing each other after losing an election. Welcome to the next two years. For starters, Chuck apparently forgets how much the health reform law has helped the middle class. And Chuck, I’d like to remind you that we came to Washington to do a job – not to keep a job or scheme for a more powerful job.”

    “So says the woman who began the Obama era as House Speaker, but who now leads a shrunken minority. Riddle me that one, Nancy.”

    “See this fork, Chuck? How about I stick it in your eye? Better yet, I’ll yield the floor to the man at my elbow, David Axelrod. He has stayed loyal to this president, unlike Mr. Opportunist over there. Looks like David is dying to say something.”

    “Damn right. Schumer has eaten so much stuffing tonight that it’s clogging his head. Look, if your calculus is solely how to win elections, and that is your abiding principle, it leads you to his position. But that’s precisely why big difficult problems often don’t get addressed in Washington, and why people have become so cynical about the town and its politics. Right, Mr. President?”

    “In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted – “

    “Sir, if I may interrupt. I’m David Krone, chief of  staff to Harry Reid. With all due respect, you’re the reason we got whacked in the midterms. We couldn’t defend the disastrous rollout of the health care website, the Veterans Affairs scandals, the kids flooding across the border, ISIS, Ebola – OK, maybe some of that stuff isn’t your fault, but it’s like I told the press, your approval rating was barely 40 percent. What else more is there to say? Sir? Are you listening, sir?”

    “Let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come; let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.”

    “Chuck Schumer is outta here. Think I’m staying for dessert? Fuggetabout. And why the hell does Obama keep talking that way? Any idea, Axelrod?”

    “Those are all lines from his ’09 Inaugural address. Yeah, those were the days.”

     

    Follow me on Twitter, @dickpolman1, and on Facebook.

     

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