Rudy Giuliani’s all-American quiz show

Rudy Giuliani, at a dinner on Wednesday night: “I do not believe – and I know this is a horrible thing to say – but I do not believe that the president loves America. He doesn’t love you. And he doesn’t love me. He wasn’t brought up the way you were brought up and I was brought up through love of this country.”

(Cue quiz show theme music) (Cue announcer)

“Welcome, everyone, to another inspiring episode of ‘Love This Country.’ And here’s your host, our arbiter of all-American values, Rudy Giuliani!”

(Cue studio audience applause) “Thank you remember 9/11 thank you – hey! you sir, up there in the back, that American flag you’re waving isn’t big enough, get the hell outta here, and you ma’am, down here in front waving that placard at me, you misspelled E Pluribus Unum, like the way Obama would, so either you let the guards escort you out, or I’ll toss you myself. OK, we got two contestants here tonight, and we’ll see which of ’em loves America more. Biff and Bobbi Sue, come on out!” (Cue audience applause)

“Biff, tell the folks what you do for a living.”

“I work at an American flag factory in Jersey, and I sew on the stars of the 50 states.”

“Only the stars, Biff? Why not do the stripes? Fuggedaboutit. What about you, Bobbi Sue?”

“Well, Rudy, I have three dogs proudly named ‘Amber,’ ‘Waves,’ and ‘Grain,’ and they’re trained to attack anyone who doesn’t look or sound American.”

“That’s my girl! (Audience applause) And that brings me to my first question. How much do you love your country? Prove it to me. Biff, you go first.”

“Well, I love America so much that I sleep every night wrapped in a flag that I sewed. And every year, I pick out one of my guns, and I paint it red, white, and blue. This year, it’s my kitchen gun.”

“Not impressed, Biff. You should’ve patriot-painted your other guns, too. How about you, Bobbi Sue?”

“Rudy, I love America so much, and I love you so much because you are America, that I tattooed your face on my bee-hind. Wanna see it?” (Spontaneous audience uproar)

“Bobbi Sue, if I wasn’t married to the current wife, we’d already be loving America together. But let’s do another question. Who here was brought up the way I was brought up, to love this country? Who here can put a tear in my eye? Biff?”

“Well, back when I was 16 and proudly driving a Detroit gas-guzzler, I saw a big American flag whipping in the wind. My freedom-loving dad always taught me to stop and salute every flag I ever saw, but this particular time I pulled over and jumped out, grabbed a megaphone from the trunk, climbed that flagpole to the tippy top, and sang all eight stanzas of ‘America the Beautiful.’ I bet you didn’t know there were eight stanzas, Rudy!”

“My chin was starting to quiver, Biff – until that last remark. How dare you insult America’s arbiter by actually insinuating that I don’t know every lyric of that song! This is proof that you don’t love me, and I certainly don’t love you. Your turn, Bobbi Sue!”

“Well now. There was this one time when a teacher at my all-white all-Christian school said something bad about America, I think it was some rot about how America supposedly ‘made mistakes’ in Vietnam – as if, right? – and we kids ganged up and told that egghead that either he’d start loving America down to his guts and liver, or we’d tar-and-feather his wine-and-brie ass all the way to Harvard Yard.”

“My eyes are starting to tear up, Bobbi Sue – wait a sec, you only loved America that way ‘one time?'”

“But Rudy, I love you as an American always. Did you see the gift I left you backstage? I baked you a big ole apple pie in the shape of Mt. Rushmore with your face on it.”

(A replica of the Liberty Bell clangs) “It’s all over, folks! We the People have a winner! Congratulations, Bobbi Sue!”

(Wild applause – interrupted by Biff) “Hey, Rudy, this isn’t fair. You’ve been busting my butt since the show started. Just tell me why.”

“Simple. I don’t like the American flag in your lapel. It’s too small. Insufficient love of country right there.”

“Huh. I’d love to see you recite the eighth stanza from ‘America the Beautiful.’ Humor me, Rudy.”

“Watch your step, pal. Don’t tread on me.”

“And who made you America’s arbiter, anyway? I remember, eight or nine years ago, you were supposed to serve on a big-shot panel called the Iraq Study Group, to help America win that war. And then it turned out you never went to a single meeting, because you were out making speeches about yourself for $200,000 a pop – and then you quit the group! And back during the Vietnam war, you managed to get six deferments! How’s that for ‘love of country,’ Rudy?”

(Deathly audience silence) “I have only one question for you, loser. Why do you hate America?”

 

 

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