Translating Trump and Huckabee

Whenever somebody decides not to run for president, the announcement text is always the same: (a) America is great, (b) the people of America of course had been clamoring for him to run, (c) the un-candidate of course would have won if he had chosen to run, and (d) the un-candidate will continue to contribute greatly to America’s greatness.So it went, yesterday, with Donald Trump; and on Saturday night, with Mike Huckabee. They’re the latest Republican non-starters. If you didn’t have the chance to check out their statements, I’m excerpting the key passages below. The remarks that appear in italics are actually the inner truths that neither guy would ever utter out loud (or, in Trump’s case, even to himself).From the Trump statement:“After considerable deliberation and reflection (NBC was up my butt, so I hadda move fast), I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. (As if I ever had a prayer of winning, especially after Obama gutted me like a fish at the White House Correspondents dinner.) This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. (Actually, that’s crap. I cratered in the polls two weeks ago.) I maintain the strong conviction (which is based on no empirical evidence whatsoever) that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. “I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half-heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion (it’s way easier to bully people when the whole country isn’t looking), and I am not ready to leave the private sector. (And besides, if I stay out of politics, where I don’t belong, my deceptive business practices won’t be scrutinized as closely.)“…My ability to bring important economic and foreign policy issues to the forefront of the national dialogue is perhaps my greatest asset and one of the most valuable services I can provide to this country (speaking of important issues, wait ’til the little people hear what my investigators found out about Obama in Hawaii, and what ’til they hear how Obama got into Harvard because he’s black. I have a great relationship with the blacks.)“…Issues, including getting tough on China and other countries that are methodically and systematically taking advantage of the United States, were seldom mentioned before I brought them to the forefront of the country’s conversation. They are now being debated vigorously. (If I keep complaining about China, maybe nobody will notice that my mens wear line, the Donald J. Trump Collection, is manufactured in China.)“…I will not shy away from expressing the opinions that so many of you share yet don’t have a medium through which to articulate. (Since the media for whatever reason digs my verbal bilge, I will continue to articulate, sometimes obscenely, your worst ignorance.) Thank you and God Bless America!” (Fuggedaboutit!)From the Huckabee statement:“The past few months have been a time of deep personal reflection. (Hmm, should I keep my cushy lifestyle, or should I go deep in debt pursuing the presidency, which I have zero chance of winning? That’s a tough one.)

“…I haven’t done much toward a race because, frankly, my life was filled with work that I truly loved, right here at Fox News, and doing radio commentaries on my daily ‘Huckabee Report’ on 600 stations, traveling the country for speaking engagements (all of which is a heck more fun, and financially lucrative, than sharing dozens of debate podiums with that rich twerp Romney).”…I don’t expect everyone to understand this, but I’m a believer and a follower of Jesus Christ, and that relationship is far more important to me than any political office. For me, the discussion and decision is ultimately not a political one, not a financial one, not even a practical one. It’s a spiritual one. (God is my best campaign consultant. He says that the economic conservatives will pound me for raising a bunch of taxes when I was governor of Arkansas, and that the law-and-order conservatives will pound me for granting clemency to those convicts who later raped and murdered. God says I don’t need that kind of grief. Again.)“…Under the best of circumstances, being president is a job that takes one to the limit of his or her human capacity. (If pretty-boy Romney really wants to take those 3 a.m. phone calls about Libya, better him than me). To do it apart from an inner confidence that I was undertaking it with God’s full blessing is simply unthinkable. (Why do I lack God’s full blessing? Because, when the chips are down, most Americans will never elect somebody who doesn’t believe in evolution. Hey, if all those heathen want to believe they’re the descendants of primates, they’re welcome to it – but why should I go broke trying in vain to convince them otherwise?)“From New York, this is Mike Huckabee. Good night, God bless, and, uh, I guess I’ll be back next week.” (Oh you betcha. I’m building a $3-million beach house in Florida, which has no income tax, and from which I can easily commute to my Fox job in New York. What a swell life. After much deep personal reflection, I have decided that nothing could be more spiritual than that!)