The all-purpose Trump apology — good for all occasions!

Here’s the latest news from the American mudslide: Samantha Bee has apologized for calling Ivanka the C-word.

It just so happens that Roseanne has called Hillary the C-word and never apologized, that Ted Nugent has called Hillary the C-word and was feted at the Trump White House, and that Hillary C-word T-shirts were sold without apology at Trump ’16 rallies — but hey, we all know that Trumpers don’t do mea culpas. Anyway, here’s what Samantha said:

“I would like to sincerely apologize to Ivanka Trump and to my viewers for using an expletive on my show to describe her last night. It was inappropriate and inexcusable. I crossed a line, and I deeply regret it.”

OK, great. Now it’s Donald Trump’s turn. He can simply tweak Samantha’s statement. It would be an all-purpose apology, a flexible template good for all occasions. Check it out!

“I would like to sincerely apologize to (all the women I groped and molested / the Haitians and Nigerians whose countries I called “shitholes”/ the Mexicans I called “rapists”/ the press I called “enemies of the people”/ Obama, for saying that he wiretapped me/ Comey, for saying that he was “nuts” and “crazy” / Comey, who I fired for doing his job / Hillary, for saying that she’s “crooked” and jail-worthy / John McCain, who was a POW when I was pleading bone spurs / the Times reporter whose physical disability I mocked / the football players I called sons of bitches/ Mika Brzezinski, who I said was bleeding from a facelift/ Sally Yates, who I insulted with the C-word/ Philadelphia journalist Jennifer Lin, who I insulted with the C-word / Times columnist Gail Collins, who I said had “the face of a pig” / the hurricane-battered American citizens of Puerto Rico, who’ve died by the thousands since the day I tossed them paper towels and stopped caring / the Democrats, for saying they’re soft on MS-13 / the Democrats, for saying they colluded with the Russians / the FBI and the intelligence agencies, for all the times I’ve demeaned their integrity and credibility), and I would like to apologize to (our western allies, who’ve looked to America for leadership since the winning of World War II / everyone in America who’s appalled by my freak show / everyone in America who rightly loathes me / everyone in America who thinks I should see a shrink / poor Melania, who’s around here somewhere) for (nuking our civic discourse / lying more than 3000 times / making America a global laughingstock). It is all inappropriate and inexcusable. I’ve crossed so many lines, and I deeply regret it. And so, I hereby resign the office of President of the United States.”

To buttress the apology, I added that last line. A boy can always dream.