One sick puppy: Trump’s narcissistic personality disorder

I hold this truth to be self-evident: Donald Trump is one sick puppy.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact  that he would call up reporters, masquerading as someone who doesn’t exist (publicist “John Miller” or publicist “John Barron”), and proceed to tout Donald Trump’s big beautiful fantasticness and fantastically unsurpassed hotness. This single passage — the fake “John Miller” is speaking to a reporter — is quintessential Trump:

“You know, [model Carla Bruni] is beautiful. I saw her once quickly and she’s beautiful and all, but I think that [Trump] has got a whole open field really. A lot of the people that you write about, and you people do a great job, by the way, but a lot of the people that you write about really are — I mean, they call [him]. They just call. Actresses, people that you write about just call to see if they can go out with him and things.”

Now, just imagine how long Hillary Clinton would last as a candidate if it were revealed that she phoned people and praised herself to the max, and perversely so, while disguising herself as a woman who wasn’t real. Trump fanboys and trolls would shriek to the skies that such a deceitful and twisted narcissist had no business getting anywhere close to our nuclear codes.

Because that’s what we’re talking about here: A serious narcissistic personality disorder. Trump had it then, and he has it now. It’s baked in his cake. And all those Republicans who are rushing to touch his hem should take a breath and consider whether it’s worth abasing their party by elevating someone who clearly needs professional help.

Perhaps you doubt my diagnosis. Admittedly, I’m not a mental health professional. Nor, in all probability, are you. But let’s do something different today, something interactive. Knowing everything that you know about Trump’s shtick, and imagining that you are answering as he would answer if he were honest (ha), take this narcissistic personality test.

I took the test, clicking on all of Trump’s personality traits, and he easily scored a 32 — a score so high that the pyschiatric website diagnosed the narcissistic disorder as extreme. And here’s how the disorder is defined: 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a disorder that is characterized by a long-standing pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or actual behavior), an overwhelming need for admiration, and usually a complete lack of empathy toward others. People with this disorder often believe they are of primary importance in everybody’s life or to anyone they meet ….

According to the shrink site, the NPD symptoms include any five of the following: 

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) 

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 

Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 

Requires excessive admiration; has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 

Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 

Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

So. Does that sound like anyone we know? You bet. Yup. It’s the same guy who once admitted under oath that “John Barron” was actually him.

It’s outrageous, of course, that Donald Trump has stiffed the American people by refusing to release his tax returns (“None of your business!”), breaching a transparency tradition that dates back five decades. Those tax returns — how he conducts his finances — might well provide us with further insights into his character.

But actually, what we really need, if we are to judge his mental fitness, is a psychiatric report. He needs to put himself on a shrink’s couch and subsequently release those findings. As longtime Republican speechwriter/author Mark Salter recently said, “I don’t think he’s psychologically well … There’s something wrong with [the] guy.”

Although we already know what the report would say: “Nobody on this planet is more psychologically successful than Donald Trump.”

Signed by his shrink, Dr. John Miller.

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