Newt is on the line

Hello. This is Newt Gingrich. Hope you don’t mind me interrupting your morning coffee with this recorded phone message.

You know, I was talking the other day with Ronald Reagan, and he said to me, “Newt, my good friend, you’ve now lost seven of eight contests. People think you’re finished. You’re nearly broke. You’ve gotta raise some new money. You know what – you should do a robocall!” And I smiled and said to him, “‘Ronnie, my dear friend and partner in defeating communism, I just got that exact same advice from Julius Caesar!” So here I am, folks, the star of my own phone fundraiser. I figure I’d sing you some of my favorite melodies, starting with “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly,” from the Broadway show “My Fair Lady” a big hit in the late ’50s when I was first thinking big thoughts about America:

All I want is a win somewhere

Bragging rights in the public glare

With not one flaw laid bare

Now wooouldn’t it be loverly,

Lots of love for the wife and me

Lots of voters on bended knee

Please pile the praise on me,

Now wooouldn’t it be loverly…

So put some money in the tip jar, my friends, because I sure could use it. Which reminds me, I really miss my generous friend Freddie Mac. Freddie knew how to treat a renowned historian. That thought puts me in the mood for “The Sound of Silence,” by Simon and Garfunkel:

Hello Freddie my old friend

I want some work from you again

‘Cause all the business that I was heaping

Led to fees that I was reaping

And my mission

Which I hope ain’t on the wane

Can still remain

Within the bounds of silence…

Are you too old for folk songs? No problem, because I have a fundamental, transformative respect for you seniors out there. I know you’ll give generously to my historic campaign if I sing you something from your old flame, Frank Sinatra. This one’s dear to my heart these days:

Fly me to the moon

And let me colonize the stars

Let me spend my second term

On Jupiter and Mars…

Well, maybe it’s premature to discuss my second term. Winston Churchill told me yesterday that Frank once told him, “Kid, the future is dimmer than a stiff drink in the wee hours of the morning.” So I’ll stick with the here and now, courtesy of Frank:

When I was 68

It was a very good year

It was a very good year for a campaign guy

Whose brain had no peer

A wise and humble seer

I knew that glory would await

When I was 68…

My time will soon arrive

In the autumn of this year

And I think of myself as a fine old keg

Who pours like vintage wine

Yes, the White House will be mine

When I am 69

But hey, if you’re a baby boomer who thinks Frank is too square, I’ve got something special. This one is dedicated to my favorite casino multimillionaire, Sheldon Adelson. Sheldon, thanks so much for bankrolling me. This is for you, my friend, from the Beatles:

What would you do if I talked like a loon

Would you turn off the spigot on me?

Write me a check and I’ll still sing your tune

And you won’t see me begging to thee,

I’ll get by with a little help from my friend

I’ll be sly with a little help from my friend

I’ll deny with a little help from my friend

“Do you need anybody?”

I just need myself to love

“Do you heed anybody?”

I’d give that Kenyan a shove

“Will you pull out if the votes don’t go right?”

Well, I’m certain that won’t happen anytime

“What will you do if Mitt puts up a fight?”

I’ll just make sure I drag him through the slime

‘Cause I’ll lie with a little help from my friend

Hue and cry with a little help from my friend

Apple pie with a little help from my friend,

With a little help – from my frieeeend!

And, folks, since I’ve pledged my solemn honor to run a positive campaign about the big issues facing America, I’ll aim this last song at my Republican inferiors who keep going negative about my greatness. Remember the show “Hello Dolly?”

Hello, dummies

Well, hello, dummies

It’s so nice to be on top where I belong

I’m doin’ swell, dummies

Go to hell, dummies

I’m still telling you I’m right while you are – always wrong

I hear the hounds baying

And my rivals playing

All those tunes about my baggage way back when, so

Golly gee, fellas

Ya better ease up on me, fellas

Or I’ll drag all of you down with me

GOP, you’ll drown with me

I’ll take the party down with me agaiiiiiin!

So don’t delay, donate today. I’ll phone you back tomorrow morning with Sinatra’s “The Best Is Yet To Come,” so send those checks to: President Gingrich, c/o Mt. Rushmore, South Dakota, and enjoy the rest of your coffee!