Even dead bad presidents are talking about Trump

CNN (Celestial News Network) — This is a rush transcript of the “Losers Club” podcast, weekend edition. 

“Hello again everyone, I’m Warren G. Harding.”

“And I’m your co-ghost, James Buchanan.”

WH: “And welcome back to ‘Losers Club,’ where we look down from our heavenly perch on the United States of America. There’s so much to talk about, with this new president — and who best to do it than we who rank with the worst?”

JB: “I daresay, Warren, not even you would’ve assembled a cabinet with an education secretary who knows nothing about public schools, a housing secretary who knows nothing about housing, and an environment chief who wants to foul the air and water.”

WH: “Perhaps this new fellow intended to be president of Ringling Brothers.” [Sustained mutual laughter.] “But let’s bring in some fresh perspectives. We’re joined today by two other losers — James, are they here yet?”

JB: “Warren, I just got word that Frank Pierce and Andy Johnson went on a bender and they’re sleeping it off. We can do the show without those curs. They’ve never been much good for anything anyway.”

WH: “Neither are you, James. Any president who lobbies a Supreme Court justice to rule for slavery and sits on his rump while the nation drifts toward war deserves to be ranked with the very worst.”

JB: “Warren, our listeners know full well that you played poker and copulated with your mistress in a White House closet while your business friends stole the country blind. Talk about very worst.”

WH: “That’s why we’re losers, James! But no point digging up the past when the present brings such amazements. I’ve got my little doohickey right here. Shows me everything going on down there—”

JB: “That wireless telephone again? How’d you learn to work a fancy machine like that, you being dead for 94 years?”

WH: “That Steve Jobs fellow is always handing them out. You’ve got to move with the times, James. I bet that since you left office in disgrace, you haven’t done or said anything modern.”

JB: “Fine, how about this: I am gay.”

WH: “OK, that’s a start. But we all knew that already. Just the other day, or maybe decade, I was telling that creep Nixon to lay off the slurs.”

JB: “Hey, what just happened on your machine? It lit up like a candle flame.”

WH: “That’s called a bulletin. The new president said today … oh dear me …”

[Sustained contemptuous mutual laughter.]

WH: “James, if we keep that up, we’ll wake Frank and Andy. Seriously, his latest statement is puzzling, because usually things like this are most often overheard in institutions for the insane.”

JB: “What is it this time?”

WH:”He says that his predecessor put him under surveillance and spied on him.”

JB: “That sounds like a serious criminal charge. What’s his evidence?”

WH: “He read or saw something somewhere.”

JB: “Warren, our listeners may not know this, but I was trained as a lawyer in Pennsylvania, and I know that credible allegations must be supported by evidence. How does he dare behave this way?”

WH: “Because he has a little doohickey like I have.”

JB: “That’s it?”

WH: “Yup. You may remember that show we did, about how he said without evidence that his predecessor wasn’t a born American, about how he said without evidence that millions of people voted illegally, about how he said without evidence that his Inaugural got the biggest multitude, and when we were wrapping up, that punk Roy Cohn stormed up to us – “

JB: “Yes, now I remember – “

WH: “And Cohn said he’d taught the new fellow everything he knows, and he said that if we didn’t shut up, he’d get some hoods to break our legs – “

JB: “Right! And then we said, ‘Up here, our bones don’t break!'” (Raucous mutual laughter.)

WH: “James, we had our critics when we were alive, but listen to this new statement: ‘We have as president a man who is erratic, vindictive, volatile, obsessive, a chronic liar, and prone to believe in conspiracy theories. And you can count on the fact that there will be more to come.'”

JB: “An opposition party critic, no doubt. All my years in public life, what the Whigs said about me – “

WH: “Actually, that was Peter Wehner, a fellow from the president’s own party.”

JB: “It is strange, Warren. I was a congressman, a senator, and Secretary of State, so it is hard for me to fathom how people down there could choose a seller of snake oil. Does your doohickey say anything else about his spying claim?”

WH: “No. His office says it will have ‘no further comment.'”

JB: “So they changed his diaper and burped him, and now they’re trying to pretend he never screamed.”

WH: “That’s quite witty, James, coming from the worst of all presidents…Why are you smiling?”

JB: “Because you and I both know that I am no longer the worst.”

WH: “True. But after all the things we’ve said about him on this show, shouldn’t we fear the day we finally meet him?”

JB: “Come now, Warren. Who says he’ll even make it up here?”

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