For all of you Valentine’s Day haters out there, it is our impish instinct to name our favorite anti-romantic movies. There are many more. Tell us which ones we missed.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I am reminded of a friend who once received a dozen red roses at work, much to the delight and congratulations of his colleagues. Perhaps missing the point entiurely, one rather maudlin coworker sniffed at the flowers and casually remarked, “Isn’t it a shame the way they’ve bred the scent out of roses?”
It’s OK, Valentine’s Day haters. Maybe you’re sick of saccharine greeting cards. Maybe you think your best friend is making a mistake with that new guy — and he’d clearly be better off with you instead. Maybe you’re allergic to chocolate.
Whatever the reason, it’s perfectly all right to eschew a reservation for two at that fancy French bistro in favor of a Chinese take-out and a bad movie on the couch. For all of you out there, it is our impish instinct to name 10 of our favorite anti-romantic Valentine’s Day movies. Hopefully they’ll help make you feel a little better.
1. “True Romance”A deceptive title. A guy marries a hooker, steals cocaine from her pimp, and tries to sell it to some Hollywood types, with the owners — and the cops — hot on their trail. What could go wrong?
2. “Friends with Benefits”The project of this film is to kill the traditional romantic comedy by taking a look at the death of romance in the age of hookups.
3. “The Breakup”The titular breakup between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn goes so badly, it might scare you out of getting involved with anyone. Ever.
4. “Looking for Mr. Goodbar”Diane Keaton plays a school teacher who trolls singles bars to pick up abusive men. She proceeds through a series of violent and demeaning sexual encounters.
5. “Sid and Nancy”The course of true love never did run smooth, especially when heroin is involved. This movie looks at the volatile relationship of the Sex Pistols’ Sid Vicious and his girlfriend Nancy Spungen.
6. “Sleeping with the Enemy”This movie is enough to give anyone some serious trust issues. Julie Roberts plays a woman who resorts to faking her own death to escape her abusive, controlling husband. But has she truly escaped?
7. “Happiness”An incredible cast provides the most uncomfortable 134 minutes of film in recent memory. A collection of warped stories develops around three sisters. Everyone involved is desperate for happiness but fails in the most spectatularly cringe-worthy ways.
8. “Kill Bill”Uma Thurman plays a former assassin who wakes from a coma after being gunned down at her wedding, her unborn child killed, and embarks on a quest to kill the five assassins who betrayed her. Twisted and gory.
9. “Basic Instinct”A police detective investigating a murder has a steamy affair with the prime suspect to uncover enough evidence to nail her. Meanwhile the body count is rising. You my never look at an ice pick the same way again.
10. “Fatal Attraction”The title should say it all. A man has an extra-marital affair with a woman who refuses to let him go and will stop at nothing to have him back. Suggested dinner option: rabbit stew.