12 questions excluded from the New Jersey standardized test that asked third-graders to reveal a secret

Parents were outraged by a N.J. standardized test that asked third-graders to reveal a secret about their lives — and to say why it was hard to keep. Here are a dozen questions that did not make it into the final draft.

Here in the Department of You Can’t Make This Stuff Up, we learned about the recent New Jersey standardized test that asked third-graders to reveal a secret about their lives — and then asked them to explain why it was hard to keep.

Outraged parents demanded an explanation on how such personal questions could be slip past educators. Certain parents, depending on what the child’s answers revealed, requested their lawyers be present during the call.

Well, there is good news in an otherwise unfortunate event. Further investigation revealed there were other questions that may have been considered, but were then withdrawn from the third-grade test.

 

1. Has your older brother, the one with the bloodshot eyes who smells like burning leaves, ever hidden baggies in your sock drawer?[  ] Yes   [  ] No

 

2. Have you ever seen Mommy kissing anyone other than Daddy or Santa Claus?[  ] Yes   [  ] No

 

3. Have you ever seen Daddy kissing anyone other than Mommy or Santa Claus?[  ] Yes   [  ] No 

 

4. In 30 words or less, explain your stance on same-sex marriage.

_______________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

 

5. In 30 words or less, explain why you may or may not be gay.

_______________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

 

6. Print the password that Mommy mutters before opening the charts on her computer with the dollar signs and strange words like AAPL, GOOG and AMZN.

_________________________________(password)

 

7. To demonstrate long-term recall, identify where Mommy and Daddy keep the secret spare house key.

_________________________________(location)

 

8. Which relative does ‘Nana refer to as “a useless piece of trash who only shows up when he needs money or a free meal”?

_________________________________(relative’s name)

 

9. Do you think ‘Nana may have a drinking problem?[  ] Yes   [  ] No 

 

10. Have your parents ever referred to the Honorable Chris Christie as “Governor Fat Fatty?”[  ] Yes   [  ] No 

 

11. How many times, and under what circumstances have they referred to him as “Governor Fat Fatty?”

___________     ____________________________  (# of times)      (circumstances)

 

12. Would you be willing to state that under oath in a court of law?[  ] Yes   [  ] No 

 

Alan Sharavsky’s humor essays appear occasionally on NewsWorks. He is the president of Sharavsky Communications, a creative development and marketing firm. He’s also director of development for Broderville Pictures, a video production company.