Since we’ll have plennnnnnnty of time to parse Hillary Clinton – we’re talking 19 months of campaigning and maybe eight years of governing – let’s start by giving a shout-out to the loons and haters who have failed to take her down.
One reason she’s so “polarizing” is because the polarizers have spent two decades sliming her with spinnuendo – and rest assured there will be more, because the past is prologue. How much of the past do you remember? To gird yourself for the next round, take this quiz!
1. When Hillary postponed her Benghazi testimony in December ’12, her foes said at various times that she was…
a) faking a blood clot
b) faking the flu
c) faking a concussion
d) covering up brain damage
e) all of the above
2. Complete this sentence: Religious right mouthpiece Bryan Fischer says that if Hillary gets elected, “she will not only be our first female president, she could be…
a) “our first sleeper cell president.”
b) “our first lesbian president.”
c) “our first Marxist-Leninist president.”
d) “our first and last feminazi president.”
3. At a Las Vegas event last year, a woman in the audience threw a shoe at Hillary. Foes insisted that Hillary staged the incident, because (three of these quotes are real; pick all three)…
a) “it was her attempt to make the Benghazi people look like nuts and lunatics and wackos.”
b) “she calculated that this would make her seem presidential.”
c) “she wanted to create sympathy for a grandmother-to-be.”
d) “I would put nothing at all past the libs.”
4. True or false: A book author, citing an anonymous source, wrote that Chelsea was conceived when Bill raped Hillary during a Bermuda vacation in 1979.
5. Some Hillary foes say that Chelsea was conceived when Hillary supposedly had an affair with the girl’s real father:
a) Arkansas pal and future associate attorney general Webb Hubbell
b) Arkansas pal and future White House aide Vince Foster
c) Arkansas pal and Walmart chairman Sam Walton
d) One of the hit men who killed the Clintons’ enemies in Arkansas
6. When Hillary was First Lady, she decorated the White House Christmas tree. According to right-wing rumors that went viral (in the ’90s version of viral), what did Hillary hang from the branches?
b) whips and chains
c) packets of weed
7. Hillary foes recently found a letter that young Hillary wrote to radical community organizer Saul Alinsky back in 1971. The right-wing site that broke the story reported breathlessly that her letter to Alinsky…
a) “was on red stationary, the same color as the Soviet flag.”
b) “was paid for with stamps featuring Frankin Delano Roosevelt.”
c) “was signed with red lipstick, signaling her love for left-wing radicalism.”
d) “was written in cursive that naturally bent toward the left.”
8. True or False: Hillary foes got excited last year when they found ’80s audio of Hillary chuckling about how, as a defense lawyer in 1975, she had wrangled a reduced sentence for a rapist. The scoop died when right-wingers were reminded that everyone deserves counsel; and that John Adams had defended British soldiers after the Boston Massacre, (winning several reduced sentences) – and had called his work “one of the best pieces of service I ever rendered my country”
9. Rush Limbaugh has said of Hillary, “Folks, it’s Peyton Place – it’s too much to keep up with.” What was he referring to?
a) The right-wing rumor that Hillary and aide Huma Abedin were conspiring with a female auxiliary of the Muslim Brotherhood
b) The ’06 right-wing rumor that Hillary sent helicopters to hover over the Long Island home of a prospective Republican senatorial rival
c) The ’90s right-wing rumor that Vince Foster was found dead with Hillary’s blonde hairs on his clothes
d) The ’13 right-wing rumor that Hillary and aide Huma Abedin were gay-sleeping together
10. Ryan Zinke, a ’14 Republican congressional candidate, said on the stump that “we need to focus on the real enemy.” That would be Hillary, whom he described as…
a) “an agent for Lady Gaga”
b) a weak person, “but maybe weakness is not the worst quality in a woman”
c) “the anti-Christ”
d) “the stereotypical bitch”
11. True or False: With Barack Obama powering down, the wing-nut fever will break and Hillary will campaign in a new climate of comity.
Answers: 1. (e) 2. (b) 3. (a,b,d) 4. True 5. (a) 6. (d) 7. (b) 8. False, sort of. Adams actually won six acquittals 9. (a) 10. (c), but the others are real: (a) came from right-wing loon Linda Harvey, (b) from Vladimir Putin, and (d) from Glenn Beck. 11. Surely you jest.