The gist of Mitt

At this point in time, the gist of the Romney campaign looks something like this:”Governor, thanks for talking with us. When are you going to release multiple years of tax returns, just as every other major candidate has done for the last 30 years, and just as your dad did in 1967 when he released 12 years worth?””Gosh, did you see that story the other day about Condi Rice? About how I might want her as my running mate?””Governor, we couldn’t help but notice that when you were taking a lot of heat last Thursday about Bain Capital and your tax returns, all of a sudden the Drudge Report floated that Condoleezza Rice trial balloon. We all know that Matt Drudge has been watching your back since the primaries, and that one of your guys, Matt Rhoades, has been feeding Drudge for years. Are we supposed to think it was a coincidence that the Condi story surfaced at the exact moment when you badly needed to change the subject? We’ll ask you again: When will you release your tax returns?””Condi’s a great gal. She knows so much about protecting our nation from terrorists. I bet she has never apologized for America. Did you know that as a child she trained to be a classical pianist? I love pianos. They have the right height – “”Governor, your tax returns would answer many of the questions people have about your tenure at Bain. You told ABC News last Friday that you had ‘no role’ and ‘no association’ with your private equity firm ‘after February 1999.’ But back then, you signed government documents naming you as Bain’s ‘sole shareholder, sole director, chief executive officer, and president,’ and, in addition, as Bain’s ‘controlling person.'” How do you square that track record with your Friday statements?””I might technically announce my running mate this week, unless I deny it. If it’s not Condi, then hey, maybe it’s Tim Pawlenty. The press should be tweeting about this all day long. And what a swell fella T-Paw is. People say he’s too ‘vanilla,’ but have you ever tasted great vanilla? With the vanilla beans in it? Sometimes I borrow one of Ann’s Cadillacs and go to this ice cream shop where – “”Governor, nonpartisan columnist Charlie Cook says in a new column that ‘the attacks on Bain, outsourcing, and his investments are sticking to Romney like Velcro,’ and that ‘Romney has lost control of the debate and the dialogue.’ Meanwhile, former Bush speechwriter David Frum says that ‘Romney will struggle through the rest of the election trying to reconcile his answers’ about Bain. Would you care to comment?””Or I might pick Rob Portman. Spread the word. If Twitter wants to hunt for clues, here’s a hot one for ya: Rob has three syllables in his name, just like mine.””Governor, your tax returns from 1999 to 2002 might enable us to understand what your deal with Bain was. Even though you now say you had ‘no role’ in Bain after early ’99, Bain said at the time that you were only taking a ‘part-time leave of absence.’ Indeed, you testified in 2002, in front of a Massachusetts commission, that you had already returned to Bain a number of times, on ‘business trips,’ in order to attend ‘board meetings.’ But when you were asked in TV interviews last Friday whether you had actually attended any Bain board meetings, you twice said ‘I don’t recall.’ Could you please clarify all this for us? And by the way, how does a person ‘retroactively retire?'””President Obama says his favorite Girl Scout cookies are the thin mints. I doubt that thin mints would taste good with vanilla. I think he should apologize for that, rather than apologize for America. I also think Bobby Jindal could be a good running mate. Maybe he’s the choice. Maybe I picked him already, and maybe the announcement is imminent, though I deny that. You guys oughta be talking about him, or John Thune, or Kelly Ayotte, or Marco Rubio, or Susan Martinez, or at least my denial.””Governor, when you were up for the veep slot in 2008, you gave the John McCain campaign 23 years of tax returns. In the spirit of transparency, why not do something similar today?””I plan to announce my vice presidential pick at the end of July, and make it retroactive to today.”——-Follow me on Twitter, @dickpolman1