Obama and girlfriends, continued

    Enough, already, with Barack Obama’s wooing of women. His commencement speech at Barnard, his second presidential sitdown on The View…at this rate, we can only imagine what he’ll say on The View next time:

    “…And we’re so honored to welcome back, yet again, the 44th President of the United States!”(Audience erupts.) “Thank you, ladies, but I have to ask you. Is it extra warm in here? I turned 50, and I feel like I’m getting these hot flashes…Joy, why are you smiling?””We’re just so hot to dish with you again, sir. I promise we’ll be pussycat nice. So tell us. What’s archived on your DVR these days? We hear you love Homeland and Boardwalk Empire – “”Not anymore. They’re way too violent for me. I love something with a touch of romance. You know, in The Godfather, my new favorite scene is when Michael Corleone shows up in New Hampshire to ask Kay to marry him. She looks so confused, my heart just goes out to her. And can you imagine wearing those high heels all the time? My goodness, the stress that must put on her ankles….But you asked what I’m watching now. I have to say, I’m very excited about that new cable show, Girls. The other night I saw five episodes in one sitting. Did you see the red sleeveless dress that Allison Williams wore to the art opening? That dress was to die for. Watching Girls, I hadn’t had that much fun since last month, when I read everything by Jennifer Weiner.””Oh come on now, surely you had a lot more fun last week in Hollywood, shooting hoops with George Clooney!” (Audience screams.)”You know what, Whoopi? I have a real problem with basketball.””Seriously? Oooo, do tell.””Look, it just seems like a bunch of pituitary cases running back and forth, up and down, all these collisions and fouls and buzzers and whatnot. I’d much rather be shopping for shoes – ” (Audience applauds.)”You’re so right, girlfriend-in-chief!””- speaking of which, Sherri, I do love your shoes. Very cute. Where did you get those? I’m guessing Prada Broadway.””Well, sir, I’m sure you have way more important things on your mind than shoes. Such as, what about our country? Am I right? Is there any hope for bipartisanship in Washington after your re-election?””Look, I have to be an optimist. The two sides really want to get together, except that lots of crazy circumstances keep them apart. It’s just like that favorite movie of mine, The Notebook? Where Allie and Noah are so in love and really belong together? But all these ‘life’ things keep getting in their way? Or like, God forbid, when Redford and Streisand gave it another try in The Way We Were, but found in the end that they couldn’t make it work?” (Audience weeps.)”You’ve got us all ferklempt, sir!””I’m so sorry, Barbara.””Well, I’m the hard-news lady up here, so let me get serious for a minute. If the partisans on both sides win, how will we ever tame this country’s debt?””Look, I think both sides agree we need to do a little slimming, we need to get fiscally svelte. A little tummy-taming would be good for all of us. No more plus-size economics. We need to buy Spanx for the national tush!” (Audience bedlam.) “Uh oh, folks, hang on a second. Elisabeth is frowning at me.””Forgive me, sir, but this act of yours is too much – “”Elisabeth, I love how your skin looks today.””Wait, don’t try to change the subj – “”How do you do that? Look, I was reading Allure magazine the other day – I just renewed my subscription through the election season – and there was this great article about B.B. Cream, you know, that blemish balm for the face? I bet that’s how you got that wonderful glow.””No! What I was trying to say was, your condescending pandering is just over the top! If a conservative did what you’re doing now, the liberal media would kill him! So knock it off already!”(Obama gets very teary. Audience boos. Joy glares at Elisabeth.)”Oh come on, Elisabeth, look what you just did to him. He’s a very sensitive soul. Will someone please get him a tissue? There there, sir, it’s OK, everything’s fine now.””Thank you so much, girlfriends, you’re all so sweet and supportive. I can’t wait to dish here again in October. And I probably should go now, there’s so much for me to do, so many things that require my attention. I should go get a pedicure, but first things first. I hear Hugh Jackman is in town, and I’m dying to get his autograph.” (Obama rises. Audience screeches.)”Kiss that hunky Hugh for us, Mr. President!””It’s not Mr. President anymore. It’s Ms.”



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