Doctor Christie will see you now
(Electronic image via NBC10)
“Doctor Christie, thanks so much for seeing me. My husband and I just got back from Disneyland, and I’m worried that my son – “
“Sit down and shut up.”
“Excuse me?”
“What, you deaf or something? You think I dunno why you’re here? Ten to one your son’s got the measles, am I right?”
“No, actually, you’re wrong. My son – “
“Lady, who are you to tell me that I’m wrong?!”
“He doesn’t have the measles. I just don’t want him to get the measles. Even if he wasn’t exposed at Disneyland, I hear there are cases now in 14 states. Thing is, my son hasn’t been vaccinated. Now’s the time. Should I just bring him in?”
“You stupid or something? Dontcha know you have ‘a measure of choice?’ Dontcha know that’s my diagnosis? What part of Freedom don’t you understand? What kinda parent are you, anyway?”
“The kind of parent who wants to keep her kid safe and make sure that other kids are safe.”
“You wanna risk making your kid autistic, that’s your choice. You wanna be a vaccine-lover, fine. But if you think for one second that all parents wanna kowtow to that kind of government tyranny, then hey, I got a bridge to sell you. Refusers have rights, too. I’ve said for years that patriotic parents who hate vaccines deserve to have ‘a seat at the table.'”
“Doctor, I apologize for disagreeing. But from what I’ve read, there’s no evidence that child vaccines cause autism. That’s according to the scientists.”
“You don’t know a damn thing what you’re talking about. What’s next, you gonna tell me that the ‘scientists’ believe in man-made global warming?”
“As a matter of fact – “
“Look, I’m the doctor here, not you. If I say this vaccine thing is still open to debate, then it is. If I say parents deserve the right to refuse, then they do. And if you want real science evidence, then fine, I’ll bring Nurse Bachmann into the room, because she says there’s a vaccine that turns kids into re-tards. Or how about I call up Dr. Paul – Rand Paul, surely your pea brain has heard of him? – because he says kid vaccines ‘ought to be voluntary.’ He says they cause ‘profound mental disorders.’ Go call him yourself, you want a second opinion.”
“If I’m not mistaken, Rand Paul isn’t even a doctor. He’s an ophthalmologist.”
“Eyes, body innards – what’s the difference?! All I’m saying is, there oughta be ‘a balance’ between the pro-vaccine theorists and the parental defenders of Freedom.”
“That’s ridiculous, Doctor Christie. You can’t give equal balance to ignorant idiots.”
“Get out, you’re done. You keep interrupting me, your rear end’s gonna get thrown out the door. I’m a doctor for all the people, OK? Which means that I’m gonna be friends with the ignorant idiots, OK? Yeah, I did see a poll somewhere which says that 68 percent of adults want all kids to be mandatorally vaccinated, but lemmee tell you something, lady: The idiots count just as much as you, because this is America.”
“I don’t need you to throw me out the door. I’m leaving on my own. Goodbye.”
“Wait, what’s with the tissue? You got a cold or something?”
“Just a little sniffle. But I’ll deal with that myself, thank you.”
“The hell you will! Get your ass into my isolation chamber right now! And stay there ’til I say you can come out!”
“Are you nuts? All that, for a common cold?”
“That’s not a cold, lady! That’s Ebola! Maybe! Get into my chamber! Sorry if you’re ‘inconvenienced,’ but it’s my job to protect the public health – except when I say it isn’t! Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a buddy’s plane to catch.”
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Dick Polman’s column appears weekly on WHYY.org/News. He also contributes to The Atlantic online and is a writer-in-residence at the University of Pennsylvania.
