Satire: A presidential D-Day Tweetstorm
In this photo provided by the U.S. Coast Guard, a U.S. Coast Guard landing barge, tightly packed with helmeted soldiers, approaches the shore at Normandy, France, during initial Allied landing operations, June 6, 1944. These barges ride back and forth across the English Channel, bringing wave after wave of reinforcement troops to the Allied beachheads. (AP Photo)
Donald Trump, thumbing in his bathrobe, 73 years ago today:
“Ike should quit invasion. Sending my son-in-law to cut deal with Hitler, buy steel from Ruhr Valley and we send him coal. Strong & smart!”
“Smilin’ Ike insubordinate! He packed our boys off to France on boats. Bad idea! Try eating beautiful meal on boats. Seasick!”
“Stupid idea to send America First boys to foreign war, away from their coal & steel jobs. Stay tuned as I fire whoever did this!”
“Classified intel says our unprepared kids will land soon. What did French mayors of pissant Normandy ever do for us? And very weird food!”
“Made executive decision: No D-Day until Waddlin’ Winston and Big-Nose De Gaulle pay their fair share! Nazis very strong!”
“Saw the statement that Smilin’ Ike made to our poor troops. He warned that the Germans ‘will fight savagely.’ Charles Lindbergh was right!”
“Until foggy Britain and frog-eating French agree to pay up bigly, our sad D-Day dupes should beg off with bone spurs. There’s still time!”
“Smilin’ Ike said he’s confident of our ‘skill in battle.’ It’s Nazis who are skilled! They won so many countries they got sick of it!”
“Yes, I called it: Classified intel says heavy losses on Omaha beach. I never liked the beach. Sand in my swimsuit and lifeguards laughed.”
“Classified intel says our boys are bleeding out in first wave. We don’t win anything anymore! Who appointed our commanders anyway?”
“I will sign executive order which instructs me, in 2 wks, to sign an executive order to learn who’s responsible for this total disaster!”
A tweet on D-Day plus two:
“Glad I led this win! Can’t wait for boys to come home & give me their Purple Hearts. Much easier that way. Rose Garden event, best ever!”
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Dick Polman’s column appears weekly on WHYY.org/News. He also contributes to The Atlantic online and is a writer-in-residence at the University of Pennsylvania.
