Pass the turkey, hold the post-election taunting


OK, so it could get awkward.

Thanksgiving dinner, that is. After all, it’s coming only two weeks after the election.

On one side, the wounds remain tender. Republicans are still deep into their tour of whine country.

On the other side, victorious Democrats are perfecting their “get out the gloat” operation.

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Awkward? Heck, it could get ugly.

As you know, turkey and cranberries with the fam can be tense even in the best of times.

A social work professor who taught my wife at Bryn Mawr once wrote a book chapter on why people’s ugly sides tend to come out around the holiday table.

Now, this Thanksgiving, you may face the unappetizing prospect of glaring across the green bean casserole at cousin Suzie, who just can’t wait to tell you how she voted for Obama.

Or gazing across the mashed potatoes at your nephew Sloane, who you suspect voted for Romney precisely because he said that thing about binders full of women.

Folks, don’t let politics spoil the feast. If we lose our sense of humor about this stuff, the republic is doomed.

So, as a service to America, here are 10 topical one-liners you can use on Thanksgiving Day:

1) Wait, don’t take the bird out of the oven. Karl Rove insists it isn’t done yet.

2) Sure, our team is down 24 points at halftime, but we’re counting on that hopey-changey thing clicking in the second half.

3) Nate Silver projects a 93 percent chance that the spinach dip will be gone by the end of the third quarter.

4) There’s one guy I know I’m not voting for again: Sgt. Brody. Not after how he snapped that poor guy’s neck in the woods.

5) Grandma, the 99 percent agree: This turkey is scrumptious. And 47 percent of us want seconds.

6) Could you please pass me more stuff? After all, I’m a Democrat.

7) I’m “all in” on this eggplant casserole.

8) Please pass the rice. It can’t get confirmed by the Senate, so I might as well snarf it.

9) Let’s show those guys in D.C. how to compromise. I’ll try your rhubarb pie if you try a piece of my fruitcake.

10) If I eat enough turkey, I might be able to sleep until this fiscal cliff thing is over.

The election is definitely over. Be thankful. And have a great and harmonious holiday.

Have your own one-liner that you’re planning to trot out on the holiday. Share them below.

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