The ultimate “Blame Obama for Ebola” tip sheet

Lots of rhetorical fuel is required, day after day, to run the Blame Obama machine. Maybe we should take pity on the mechanics, give them a little help.

For now at least, thanks to Ebola, the machine is purring quite nicely. Tammy Bruce on Fox News says that the presence of an Ebola patient in Dallas is part of “the Obama legacy,” Andrea Tantaros on Fox says we can’t trust Obama to handle Ebola because he “can’t even build a website,” Steve Doocy on Fox says we can’t trust what Obama says about Ebola because his regime “has misled a lot of people on a lot of things,” and as for Laura Ingraham…well, she’s a category unto herself.

On her radio show, she scoffs at sending American personnel to stop the epidemic in Africa; speaking facetiously, “We’re people of great privilege, so we should do what we can, we the American taxpayers, to transfer wealth over to Africa. It’s (Obama’s) father’s rage against colonialism.” She says we can’t believe Obama about Ebola, because Obamacare. She says that Obama refuses to halt all civilian flights from Africa to America because he’s black: “He has an enormous amount of, I think, you know, core ties to the African continent.”

Phew! That’s gotta be a tough job – fuming on cue all the time, coming up with new and creative iterations of outrage. What say we do our bit to ease their burden? Here’s a handy rhetorical tip sheet for all those junkyard dogs, complete with interchangeable barking points:

“Did ya hear what Obama did? He secretly flew to Dallas (at hardworking taxpayer expense/ in a black U.N. helicopter), personally carrying the Ebola virus (on his tan suit/ in his Koran), and rubbed it on the Liberian. He then directed the guy to infect (suburban stay-at-home mothers/ any and all whites who had refused to sign up for Obamacare), but, failing that, his Plan B is to flood the nation with African Ebola patients (and find a way to sign them up for Obamacare/ and find a way to register them on the Democrat voting rolls).

“Meanwhile, those 3000 U.S. troops that were sent to Africa to help ‘fight’ the disease – they’re not what they seem. According to (reliable rumors/ what we heard somewhere), Obama has told these troops to bring home vials of the virus in order to create panic, thus giving Obama an excuse (to arrest all real Americans and ship them to FEMA concentration camps/ to incarcerate all Republicans who have voted to repeal Obamacare/ to confiscate all guns).

“At this time, we don’t believe – but of course we can’t be sure – that there’s any truth to the rumor that Obama (is offering free Obamaphones to any illegal alien who helps spread the virus/ is planning to soak every newly manufactured American flag in Ebola bodily fluids), but we can’t fully disprove the rumors that Obama will command those illegal aliens to wreak havoc via a clever public signal, most likely (by swinging a golf club/ by saluting with a coffee cup).

“And don’t forget his partisan political agenda, his medical tyranny power grab. Emboldened by new executive orders, he reportedly plans to (send samples of the virus to the New Black Panthers, who will position themselves at midterm polling places and threaten to infect anyone who doesn’t vote for the Democrat party/ create an army of two million new IRS agents, who will be tasked to spread the virus to all donors who fund conservative groups).

“And we refuse to spread our rumor that Obama has already succumbed to the disease, although it’s an outrage that nobody has released a long-form death certificate. Until that happens, we can only assume he is alive and well and keeping us safe – despite persistent whispers from (Breitbart News/ Fox/ Drudge/ Alex Jones/ The Daily Caller/ Fox hosts on couches) that he soon intends to entrust the safeguarding of all Ebola-infected materials to the U.S. Secret Service.”

Oh God. Anything but that last one.

 

 

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