I was startled to learn yesterday, from our Leader, that the media doesn’t report on terrorist attacks. This I did not know! All that copious coverage we’ve seen and heard with our eyes and ears? Never happened.
Trump said yesterday, “It’s gotten to the point where it’s not even being reported, and in many cases the very, very dishonest press doesn’t want to report it,” and that’s because “they have their reasons.” He didn’t name the “reasons,” though he seemed to be insinuating that the media has covered up attacks because it’s pro-terrorist. Or something like that.
Anyway, the Leader’s regime later released a list of 78 terrorist attacks that the media has supposedly ignored, and it’s actually fun to read, because it includes attacks that the media copiously covered — like Paris, Brussels, Nice, Orlando, Sydney, and “San Bernadino” (the regime cares so much about San Bernardino that it couldn’t be bothered to spell the city’s name correctly). Alas, the regime provided no evidence that the media has deliberately covered anything up.
But wait — I have breaking news!
The Leader’s regime has secretly created a supplemental list of incidents ignored by the media. The regime has already placed this list in the archives of Trump University, for the benefit of future scholars, but I have exclusively obtained a copy. Its Trumpian tone and content have been assidiously preserved. I wish to thank the Trump U. leakers who typed it into a PDF, having translated it from the original crayon:
The Bowling Green Massacre
Even though the pond scum media is finally aware that this bloodbath definitely occurred, the full story has yet to be told. The truth is that the death toll of dozens — or many many thousands — would’ve been much higher if not for the heroic intervention of Russian commandos under the leadership of that nation’s Man of Respect. In his honor, we will soon announce a National Celebration of Patriotic Devotion. Bowling Green will host a military parade and clear land for the construction of Putin Park.
The NASCAR Daytona 500 Day of Disaster
The excrement press refused to cover this trauma, which occurred in one of the recent years, we hear, when bad hombres poured onto stock car stadium property. Personally led by Santa Anna, the Mexican military general from the Alamo — an amazing guy, unbelievable, he’s being recognized more and more — these hordes tied Mexican flags to the antennaes of every single American-made pickup truck in the parking lot. That wasn’t very white of them. Mexico will pay for the cleanup costs, which is what people are saying.
The Mom and Pop Diner Decimation
The slithering insect press didn’t want to cover this either, which happened somewhere in the hardworking Rustbelt when a squad of smug elitists, professionally paid by someone, invaded this restaurant on a church Sunday, and announced that its real Americans would no longer be free to eat ham, bacon, or home fries. All customers were given soy milk and whole grain salads with hazelnuts. One patriotic trucker, who rightly complained that the food “tastes like ass,” was forced to subscribe to the failing New York Times. Date and location of the diner disaster to be determined.
The Slaughter in Suburbia
The lowest creatures on earth refused to report this outrage, which we hear occurred somewhere just two nights ago. It hasn’t been decided yet whether it was perpetrated by illegals from California, refugees from Australia, Muslims from travel-ban countries, or Meryl Streep. But it has been confirmed by rumor that certain people broke into a string of suburban McMansions and forced inhabitants to turn off the Super Bowl and instead watch hours and hours of British twits on PBS. We hear that the arrested thugs were quickly freed by so-called judges. In response, we will suspend the judiciary until we know what the hell is going on.
Some alleged Muslim thing
The lying media claims that something bad happened up in Canada somewhere. We can’t confirm that. The Leader does not comment on fake news.
Unfortunately, we may need to point out that the above blog post is satire.