Exclusive! Donald Trump’s convention schedule!

    Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. (AP Photo/Paul Sancya

    Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. (AP Photo/Paul Sancya

    The word is, lots and lots of Republicans are loath to speak at this month’s Republican Convention. Which is no surprise, because they loathe their own nominee. But hey, no problem! The nominee, with his best brain and best words, has things covered! As best we can determine — and some of it is still in flux — here’s  an exclusive backstage peek at the schedule:

    Monday, July 18

    5-6:30 pm. Donald J. Trump personally welcomes his delegates: “Loan Me Money For My Campaign And I’ll Pay You Back Next Year or So.”

    6:30-8:30 pm. Chris Christie on serving Donald J. Trump: “That Time He Let Me Eat His Leftover Fries, and Other Funny Stories.”

    8:30-9:30 pm. Video interlude: “Strong and Smart Testimonials from Graduates of Very Successful Trump University.”

    9:30-11 pm. Monday keynote speech by The Honorable Sarah Palin: “Retweeted Proof That Lamestream Media Fact-Checkers Pal Around With Terrorists.”

    Tuesday, July 19

    5-6:30 pm. Address by Donald J. Trump: “Why All Women Love Me, Especially The 10s, Although The 2s Are Very Disgusting.”

    6:30-7:30 pm. Musical interlude, introduced by fantastic exciting Republican chairman Reince Priebus: The Trump Symphony Orchestra plays Richard Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries”

    7:30-8:30 pm. Address by Donald J. Trump: “We Oughta Ban All Negative Polling, And Sue The Pollsters Who Are Saying Things About Us That Are Not Very Nice, Until We Can Find Out What The Hell is Going On.”

    8:30-10 pm. Very Successful Praise for Donald J. Trump from Many Famous Athletes, Top Top People, All of Them Winners (Not yet confirmed); or, Donald J. Trump reads to America’s children, updating Little Red Riding Hood: “Oh, Mr. Trump, What Big Hands You Have.”

    10-midnight. Tuesday keynote speech by The Honorable Newt Gingrich: “How To Make America Great Again By Reaffirming That Marriage Is Between A Man, A Woman, A Woman, And A Woman.”

    2-2:01 am. Convention chairman Paul Ryan: “Areas of Agreement With Donald J. Trump.”

    Wednesday July 20

    5-6:30 pm. Donald J. Trump on environmental issues: “Trump Water Will Cure Our Droughts, Believe Me.”

    6:30-8:30 pm. Video salute to Vladimir Putin: “What America Needs Is A Man on Horseback”

    8:30-10 pm. Donald J. Trump conducts very successful small businessman seminar: “Only Losers Demand To Be Paid In Full.”

    10-11 pm. Wednesday keynote speech by great guy Mike Tyson who loves Donald J. Trump: “Rapists Are Misunderstood” (Not yet confirmed); or keynote speech by military vets praising donations from Donald J. Trump (Not yet confirmed); or a salute to college dropouts by Donald J. Trump: “I Love The Undereducated”

    Thursday July 21

    6:30-8 pm. Donald J. Trump speaks on American food policy: “Trump Steaks Would Fatten You Up, Make You Strong, Not Like Low-Energy Jeb.”

    8-9 pm. Infomercial interlude: Donald J. Trump’s clothing line made in China (Canceled)

    9-9:30 pm. The Donald J. Trump Raffle, Which Is Going To Be Amazing. First prize: One world-class ticket to Trump Turnberry in Scotland, room not included; Second prize: A set of Trump Steak Knives.

    9:30-10:15 pm. Fantastic acceptance speech by Vice Presidential Nominee Ivanka Trump: “Father Knows Best.”

    10:15-midnight. Donald J. Trump hosts climactic entertainment spectacular, assisted by great great 10s who will attack Hillary fantastically: “Trump That Bitch Wet T-Shirt Contest”

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