Exclusive! Ben Carson’s newest lies!

Look ahead. Start the countdown. Here are this week’s Top 10 Ben Carson counterfactuals:

10. “A disciple of the devil offered me a full scholarship to study what he called ‘the reality of evolution.’ And after I turned him down, he came gunning for me in Popeye’s.”

9. “I once wrote that I’d had dinner with General William Westmoreland in Detroit on Memorial Day 1969. But now the Army’s ‘documents’ supposedly say that Westmoreland was not in Detroit on Memorial Day 1969. What I think my ghostwriter meant to say was that I met Westmoreland when I was a medic in Vietnam. I remember that when a wounded black soldier muttered, ‘Fighting in this war is worse than slavery,’ Westmoreland whispered to me, ‘If he thinks this is bad, wait ’til we have Obamacare.'”

8. “I’m outraged by the accusation, propogated by the political correctness police, that I have long enjoyed a ‘relationship’ with the miraculous God-given medical company called Mannatech. I have no known awareness at this time of the videos that some say I purportedly ‘appeared’ in, but I do applaud Mannatech for pioneering the cure for Ebola.”

7. “When I wrote recently on Facebook that ‘every signer of the Declaration of Independence had no elected office experience,’ the secular humanists said that, actually, 28 signers had had elected office experience — in Colonial assemblies, or whatever they were. Then when I changed my Facebook post to say that the signers ‘had no elected federal experience,’ the secular humanists said that in 1776 there was no federal government to have experience in. Enough of this harassment! What my oppressors still refuse to admit is that every signer of the Declaration had stabbed somebody.”

6. “I recently scooped the world when I told three cable networks that Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas and Iran Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei went to college in Moscow in 1968, and that that’s when they forged relationships with Vladimir Putin. But the ‘fact’ checkers now claim that my scoop was ‘wrong’ on all counts, and that Putin was 16 years old in 1968, attending a high school 10 hours away from Moscow. I now concede that I misspoke when I said that Abbas and Khamenei had forged a relationship with Vladimir Putin. I meant to say Vladimir Lenin.”

5. “In a previous life, I personally sold guns and ammo to the Jews of Warsaw during the ghetto uprising in 1943. They were all blown up by Nazi artillery, thus saving them from the Holocaust, and they shared with me their dying words: ‘Please thank Jesus for the Second Amendment.'”

4. “Wielding a hammer, I attacked a fellow Yale student while we were taking a course called Perceptions 301 – Yale now says no such course has ever existed, but that kind of elitist propaganda is what’s destroying this country — and while the hammered student lay bleeding on the floor, I prayed for a way to ease his pain. God said unto me that the cure was right in my pocket. I pulled out my tube of Mannatech skin balm, rubbed some on his head wound, and within minutes he and I were discussing the merits of the flat tax.”

3. “As a doctor, I always stress the importance of healthy eating. I am a great believer in farm-to-table nutrition, which is why all the bread I consume is harvested from the finest grains stored in the pyramids.”

2. “I first saw the face of evil when I accompanied our brave military on a flying mission in Iraq. The chopper in front of ours was hit by an RPG, and as it spiraled toward earth, the secular progressive sitting next to me yelled in horror, ‘Oh my God!‘ And I immediately yelled at him, ‘Don’t you DARE take the Lord Our God’s name in vain!‘ And he bowed his head and said, ‘I’m truly sorry.’ And that’s when Brian Williams found Jesus.”

1. “Absolutely not. I do not need to see a psychiatrist.”

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