Donald Trump phoning it in

     Donald Trump attends the Hank's Yanks 1st Annual Golf Classic at Trump Golf Links on Monday, July 6, 2015, in New York. (Photo by Greg Allen/Invision/AP)

    Donald Trump attends the Hank's Yanks 1st Annual Golf Classic at Trump Golf Links on Monday, July 6, 2015, in New York. (Photo by Greg Allen/Invision/AP)

    Breaking news (for real)! GOP chairman Reince Priebus, prompted by growing Republican panic, phoned Donald Trump yesterday. He asked Trump to tone it down.

    One can only imagine….Actually, I have the phone call transcript right here, leaked to me exclusively by the snoopers at the NSA:

    “Mr. Trump, I have Reince Priebus on the line for you.”

    “Gimmee a break, honey. Who the hell’s Prince Riebus?”

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    “He says he’s the chairman of the Republican party, and he wants to talk to you.”

    “Those dopes got a chairman? I laugh at them. I laugh at them. I’ve dealt with them all my life, they couldn’t find their own tushes with an anatomical map. Yeah, put the guy through.”

    (Click.) “Hello? Am I speaking to The Donald? Sir, thank you so much for taking my call. I really appreciate – “

    “Listen, pal – what’s your name again? Rinse Penis? – I’m a busy man so make it quick, I got a guy from China on the other line, I’m trying to sell him a building for $20 mil, he’s trying to get me down to 15, he thinks maybe he can squeeze me because I got some potential labor problems with the hotel I got going in Washington, the one where I may have Mexican illegals on the payroll, which I don’t know if I do, it’s not like I asked them ahead of time, ‘How many of you workers are rapists?’ Anyway, go ahead, talk to me, just don’t bore me.”

    “Ah yes, well, um, some of our people are a little, um, concerned. Did you see The Washington Post? One of my Republican colleagues, a state chairman, said this about you: ‘He’s already done some damage, and it could be substantial going forward. He could be one of the reasons we lose. It’s that serious. There’s nothing we can do about it, and that’s what’s so scary.’ So, sir, I guess I’m trying to…um…do something about it.”

    “And don’t get me wrong, I love the Chinese. They dump their products in America, they devalue their currency and screw us on trade, but I love them and they love me. Everyone loves me. I just don’t want to sell a building to that guy for 15 mil….Hey, were you just saying something?”

    “Yes, sir, I guess I was asking if you would consider…how shall I say this with all due respect…easing up just a wee little bit? And maybe stop saying some of those things that aren’t very nice?”

    “Donald Trump is a nice person. Ask anyone I pay, they’ll say I’m a nice person. I give to charity, I got a family, I love my dad who was a great negotiator in Queens, and when I’m the Republican nominee, I’m gonna win the Latino criminal-rapist vote. I’m gonna win that vote. And Mexico won’t be laughing at us no more.”

    “Sir, I’ve been trying for years to make the party more welcoming and inclusive. Our concern about 2016 is that you’re becoming our next Todd Akin.”

    “You like golf, Mr. Peevish? Go play 18 holes on one of my courses, I’ll comp you. Wait, who the frick is Todd Akin? Sounds like one of those hicks who loses big in one of my casinos.”

    “Perhaps I should just quote what Karl Rove is saying in The Wall Street Journal: ‘Trump could become the 2016 version of Missouri Rep. Todd Akin, who tarnished the GOP brand in 2012 with an offensive statement about rape. Republican leaders from Mitt Romney on down immediately condemned his words, but swing voters were persuaded that every Republican believed what Mr. Akin said.’ Surely you understand what Karl is saying? Hello? Are you still there, sir?”

    “Yeah, I was just takin’ a moment to think. And what I was thinkin’ was, I got a net worth of $10 billion, so I don’t see why I gotta care what that guy says, that Karl Rove character who worked for Bush, the brother of this dope Jeb who’s running now. Did you know his wife is Mexican? I bet he likes Mexican illegals because of her. I re-tweeted that, then I took it down, but I don’t regret it. The Wall Street Journal is dopes, Macy’s which dropped me is full of dopes, NBC, PGA, ESPN, NASCAR – they’re all dopes. They don’t want me, fine. The money they’re costing me is lint in my pocket. But the most beautiful thing about this great country of ours is, the Republican party can’t drop me. The polls put me where I am today. In your party, I speak for all the enemies of immigrant rapists.”

    “Well, sir, this is most unfortunate. Would you at least consider being civil on stage next month, during our first debate?”

    “OK, here’s what’s gonna happen. Donald Trump is gonna phone Fox News, see how they want me to behave. See if they’re fine with me paying 100 bucks a head for my cheering section. After all, Fox News runs the party, not you. So what I gotta say to you is this, Mr. Peanut: Yuh fy-ud.”



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