Professor Trump’s strong terrific history curriculum
In this Saturday, Jan. 28, 2017 file photo, President Donald Trump speaks on the telephone with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington. In the background is a portrait of former President Andrew Jackson which Trump had installed in the first few days of his administration. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon, File)
Scholar Donald Trump, on Sirius XM yesterday, lecturing on American history:
“They love Andrew Jackson in Tennessee. I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little later, you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart. He was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War, he said ‘there’s no reason for this.’ People don’t realize, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there a Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?”
TRUMP UNIVERSITY 2.0History Department Curriculum, autumn 2018 semester. Make tuition checks payable to the Ivanka Trump Investment Fund.
TRUMP 101: The Spanish-American War Which We Won Fast Before We Started Always LosingWhile Stonewall Johnson was busy leading us to victory over the Spanish people – terrific, terrific people, some of them – he was being wiretapped by sad bad enemies. Maybe it was the media, who knows. Students in this course will ask, why? They will get to the bottom of this because people are talking about it!
TRUMP 201: A History of War Heroes’ Major, Major CuisineNobody knew that firing missiles while eating beautiful chocolate cake has been a huge tradition the earth over. Students will learn that Julius Caesar defeated the European Union while eating snails, that heroic Andrew Jackson won bigly against the red man while dining on the juiciest venison, and that whoever was president during the Mexico War ate steak with ketchup and got tired of winning. Delicious!
TRUMP 301: Hitler Built Very Terrific AutobahnsHe led very, very strongly, he had high poll ratings and radio ratings, and he also did some very good things, like make highways that were very nice for limousines. People don’t ask that question, but students in the course will learn it more and more. Guest lectures by the Honorable Sebastian Gorka. Fun!
TRUMP 401: The Russian Revolution Was Very Big We HearA Russian person named Leo Tolstoy, who some people say is getting more and more known despite his books with too many words in them, was very angry about the Revolution despite possibly being dead. But it produced many wonderful strong leaders, like now. Students will rigorously study the current Leader, and the first to recite his speeches by memory will get an eyes-only national security briefing during dinner at Mar-a-Lago. Stay tuned!
TRUMP 501: Archaic Constitutional LawNobody could have known, but it’s being talked about more and more, that “constitutions,” written many many years ago by dead people, are stopping today’s very strong leaders from doing their great jobs to make their countries great. Guest lectures by The Honorable Rodrigo Duterte, The Honorable Recep Tayyip Erdogan (c’mon, who spells a name like that?), and The Honorable Benito Mussolini (invited)!
TRUMP 601: People Are Talking About Pearl Harbor And It’s SadWhen Teddy Roosevelt charged up the Hawaii hill and spotted the Chinese warplanes, why didn’t Obama heed his warning? When John Paul Jones’ Navy was patrolling the waters and spotted the North Korean subs, why did Crooked Hillary cackle? Students will be challenged to go there on a field trip (travel expenses not included) and find out what the hell is going on!
TRUMP 701: Conspiracies That Treat The Fantastic Andrew Jackson Very, Very UnfairlyStudents will analyze all the FAKE NEWS! that talks about Jackson in ways that are not nice. Students will be coached to troll the “historians” who “claim” that Jackson would never have prevented the Civil War because he owned 160 “slaves.” Some elitists “claim” that Jackson personally drove “slaves” to market by chaining them at the necks, that he ordered whippings, that he hunted down escapees, and that he censored mail to stop anti-“slave” materials from reaching the “slave” states – but this eye-opening course will teach students that opinions are more better than “documented” “facts,” and that when America is made great again, the very best opinions will be more equal than “facts”!
Reading materialAll courses have no required book-learning, which is boring. But very exciting coloring books – geared to each historical period – are available for only $500 each, so get one while they last. Crayons not included!
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Dick Polman’s column appears weekly on WHYY.org/News. He also contributes to The Atlantic online and is a writer-in-residence at the University of Pennsylvania.
