5 reasons you must join me now in the war on kale!

Kale must be stopped. Right now, before it’s too late!

You think I’m overreacting? Well, stop massaging that kale for a second and consider this: In a few short years this leathery virus has advanced from an inconspicuous fibrous substance best suited for use as the webbing on lawn chairs to a ubiquitous foodstuff that practically defines the hipster diet. 

And every day the kale threat intensifies. Yet we who dare speak the truth are lumped in with seal clubbers and compost deniers.

Already, the truth about kale is being systematically scrubbed from the Internet. I took it upon myself to save the following five facts from online oblivion:

1. Soylent Green is NOT people. It’s kale.

2. Kale does NOT make you live longer.

Who the hell knows what makes you live longer? Stuff that was supposed to make you live longer ends up killing you (e.g.: 1970s margarine and hairstyles). I have no doubt that in 60 or 500 years researchers will be looking back at us munching away on  kale, and they’ll all be swapping telepathic jokes like: “What did they have for dessert, uranium cupcakes?” [Insert future scientist guffaws] One thing  I do know: Kale makes life seem like an eternity. In fact, a single kale salad can make lunch feel like the carving of the Grand Canyon. 

3. Eating kale DOES NOT make people pick out better clothes.

This is an easy mistake to make because kale-eaters are often incredibly appearance-conscious, agonizing for hours about how to make their hair look effortlessly mussed. To dress like a kale-eater, all you have to do is spend half your life focusing solely on your own appearance and the other half of your life learning how to act like you pay no attention to your appearance. (Do that math and you’ll see that it adds up to a whole life, which makes you dead.)

4. Kale was never intended to be human food.

Yeah, yeah, I know evidence of kale can be found in the caveman’s diet by studying seeds from ancient tombs and by examining other stuff you really don’t want to know about. That’s only part of the story. Did you see how I said “ancient” up there. What else starts with “ancient”? Yep, ancient ALIENS. Could … it … be … that our ancient alien friends planted the stuff on earth so they had something to munch on while they were building the pyramids, and our own ancestors just followed their dietary example without realizing you actually need six robotic stomachs to digest the stuff? 

5. Kale destroys advanced civilizations.

So you think it was a coincidence that kale enjoyed amazing popularity in Europe during the Dark Ages. Remember Ancient Rome, where they had indoor plumbing, libraries full of scrolls, and helicopters? Well, enter kale and you end up with a few kale-free monks in Ireland desperately trying to preserve a slice of civilization while barbarians ravenous for kale pillage Europe and hack each other to bits with dull axes.

I’m sure you’re pretty upset by now. Normally, I’d suggest some crap about how you should breathe deeply and just “let it go.” Not this time, bucko. Rather, I entreat you: Stoke those fires of anti-kaleism with the kindling of every trendy food fad that has come and gone in your lifetime! Remember lo-carb bread? Dear God! Let the resentment boil.

Now, fight! But remember, ours is not a mission for the weak. Kale zealots will thwart us, saying they can make the stuff delicious by coating it in chocolate or frying it in tempura batter and hashish. That would also make shoes delicious, but no one is advocating warm captoe salads with toasted pine nuts and goat cheese. 

I know our chances of victory may seem remote today. But believe with me, and we will grow stronger — until that glorious day dawns when kale is food only for lawn mowers.