Obama is in, conservatives freak out

For Obama haters on the Republican right, these are the worst of times. Not even mega-doses of Zoloft would calm their nerves. They have dwelled in the cocoon for so long – marinating in Fox News, ingesting the usual GOP-tilted poll numbers from Rasmussen, lapping up predictions of a Romney landslide from the likes of Dick Morris and Rush Limbaugh – that the president’s victory has actually shocked them.

Presumably, or at least for the sake of their own sanity, they will soon salve their psychological wounds and carry on. But until that happens, until their detonated heads repair themselves, their raw words will continue to enliven our worlds. And so today I hereby present to you the top five right-wing freakouts.

Fourth runner-up, Donald “The Donald” Trump: “We should march on Washington and stop this travesty. This election is a total sham and travesty.”

Third runner-up, Christian conservative leader Bryan Fischer: “Yesterday was Pearl Harbor. Today we start planning for Normandy.”

Second runner-up, ex-funny actress Victoria Jackson: “America died. Evil won.”

First runner-up, Romney endorser Ted Nugent: “Pimps whores & welfare brats & their soulless supporters have a president to destroy America. What subhuman varmint believes others must pay for their obesity booze cellphones birthcontrol abortion & lives.”

And the winner is Robert Stacy McCain (for sustained eloquence on the American Spectator website):

“Even before the unmitigated political disaster of November 6, 2012, a date that will live in infamy, the prospects of salvaging the United States were not particularly hopeful. Now, however, we are permanently and irretrievably screwed….The cretins and dimwits have become an effective governing majority….What is left to hope for? That the American people will soon regret their choice? That another four years of economic stagnation and escalating debt will cure them of their insane appetite for charismatic liberals? If four years of endless failure have not rid them of this madness, the disease may well be terminal. Perhaps others will still see some cause for hope, and in another few weeks my friends may persuade me to see it, too. But today I will hear no such talk, and I doubt I’ll be in a better mood tomorrow. At the moment, I am convinced America is doomed beyond all hope of redemption, and any talk of the future fills me with dread and horror.”

Hang on folks, McCain has also given us a local angle:

“The list of fools who have brought this disaster upon us certainly also will include New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, the gelatinous clown who (a) hogged up a prime time spot at the Republican convention to sing his own praises; (b) embraced Obama as the hero of Hurricane Sandy; and (c) then refused to appear at campaign events in support of Romney’s presidential campaign. Good luck with the remainder of your political future, governor. It is unlikely Republicans shall soon forget your perfidious betrayal.”

I suppose we could try to debate whether America is indeed doomed beyond redemption, or endeavor to fact-check Bryan Fischer, who seems to think that Japan and Germany are the same country, but I trust you’d agree that our brain cells are too valuable to waste. Instead, in the spirit of post-debate reconciliation, let it be recorded that some conservatives are already de-freaked and sober about what happened on Tuesday night. So let’s give the last word to a reality-based winner – Michael Tanner, writing at the National Review:

“So what went wrong? First, demographics. This election is testimony to the fact that Republicans cannot survive by being the party of old white men….American voters have changed, but Republicans haven’t changed with them. Republicans must face up to the fact that their hard-line stance on immigration is disqualifying their candidates with Hispanics….Second, social issues continue to hurt Republicans with women, young voters, and suburbanites. The problem is not just a matter of their stance on the issues, but their tone. It’s not just that Republicans oppose abortion or gay marriage, but that they often sound intolerant and self-righteous in doing so. Republican candidates seem culturally out of touch with a large swath of the electorate.

“Over the next few weeks, the experts will undoubtedly pick apart the exit polls and the precinct-by-precinct results, but it isn’t hard to see that Republicans are going to have to do some serious soul searching in several respects, or this defeat will just be the beginning.”

Yeah. What he said.

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