Exclusive excerpts from tonight’s Republican debate

Those irrepressible Republican candidates are debating tonight, this time in Vegas, and just in case you plan to skip it — because you have a life — here’s how it’s likely to play out. You’re welcome.

Donald Trump: “Some scum pollsters say that Ted Cruz is beating me in Iowa. Impossible. Lookit Cruz over there. What’s with those huge eyebrows? Disgusting. He looks like Groucho Marx. Even Carly looks nicer. Plus, Cruz is a maniac with bad temperament. He’s as phony as climate change. By the way, my doctor said yesterday that I’m the healthiest president in the history of America, that I got ‘extraordinary physical strength and stamina.’ Thousands and thousands of Americans have been cheering that news on their rooftops. I’ve seen it on TV.”

Ben Carson: “Mffmmffsssmmfffhhsss …. Oh, you want me to speak louder? What I said was, ISIS has 10,000 troops housed inside the Pyramids.”

Cruz: “On Day One of my presidency, I’m going to eat a Second Amendment breakfast. I will personally chew the pseudoscientific Paris climate deal into tiny shreds, and I will sprinkle it like salt on the bacon I’ve cooked on the hot barrel of my assault weapon. Just as Jesus intended. You shooters should try this recipe at home — but don’t forget the aluminum foil.”

Rand Paul: “I will now attempt to say something eloquent, hoisting my index finger while invoking the Constitution, to make it look like I actually belong on this stage.”

Marco Rubio: “You ask if I agree with Mr. Trump that all Muslims should be kept out of the country? My father was a bartender and my mother was a maid. You ask if I still support a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants? My father was a bartender and my mother was a maid. You ask if I would really deny abortions to women who’ve been raped? My father was a bartender and my mother was a maid. You ask if I really believe that fighting climate change is futile? My father was a bartender and my mother was a maid.”

Cruz: “I gotta say something else. I’m the only one on this stage who is thoroughly hated by everyone in Washington, D.C. I take pride in carpet-bombing my enemies until they glow. Which makes me the perfect candidate to run Washington, D.C.”

Carly Fiorina: “The flaw in Senator Cruz’s reasoning is that he serves in government. I’m the only one on this stage who has not only not served in government, but who has also received universal acclaim as a CEO. Which uniquely qualifies me to run the greatest nation on earth, and, incidentally, that wriggling fetus that Planned Parenthood was getting ready to kill? Its precious tiny rump was branded with the Planned Parenthood logo. It’s in the video.”

Trump: “Achh, that voice of hers is so annoying. My doctor says I’m dexterous enough to tape her mouth shut with one hand.”

Chris Christie: “What I’ve been saying to the wonderful people of New Hampshire — God, I love New Hampshire so much I could eat it — is this: Who has the stones and experience to keep ya safe? The real estate mogul? The freshmen senators? Fuggedaboudit. I’m the only one on this stage who has ever prosecuted terrorists. I’m the only one on this stage who promises Jersey justice. As president, I will personally sink my teeth into terrorist flesh and spit their blood.”

John Kasich: “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE WILL EVERYBODY HERE JUST SHUT UP I’M SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THIS FIGHTING I WANT EVERYBODY TO BE CIVIL LIKE ME!”

Jeb Bush: “Can I go home now?”

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