A Philly app wish list

There are smart phone apps to help you with everything from staying on your diet to learning French. What we don’t have are apps just for Philly residents. So we’ve come up with a list of apps that should be — just for Philadelphia.

There are smart phone apps to help you with everything from staying on your diet to learning French. What we don’t have are apps just for Philly residents.

So we’ve come up with a list of apps that should be — just for Philadelphia. Some would be free “lite” versions, and others you’d have to pay for.

Parking AuthorityThe lite version would alert you to a PPA officer’s arrival on the block where your car is parked. The full version would produce a kiosk receipt and whisk it to your windshield at the PPA officer’s approach.

Tastykakes GPSThe lite version would locate the nearest supply of Tastykakes. The full version would enable you to gobble as many as you want without gaining a pound.

Mummers ParadeUse the lite version and nobody hurls on your shoes. Use the full version and nobody hurls on your dog.

WHYY-FMThe lite download compels you to pledge during membership drives. The full version compels everyone listening to pledge.

Mayoral RaceThe free version mutes the radio and TV during campaign commericals, while the for-pay version eliminates all overblown campaign rhetoric.

PECOThe lite version allows you to turn down the heat so your bill will be affordable. The full version lets you roll back rates to 1999 levels.

Schuylkill ExpresswayDownload the free version, and it’ll teach you relaxation exercises when you’re stuck in an interminable traffic jam. The full version would teach those exercises to everyone stranded during rush hour.

Broad StreetThe lite version would remind other drivers to use their turn signals. Plunk down a little more to compel every driver on Broad Street to use their signals!

WAWAThe free app gets you a parking space by the front door on cold mornings. Use the full app to guarantee fresh coffee, no line at the check out — and a winning lottery ticket.

Free LibraryWith the lite version, the book you need is always on the shelf. With the full version, the book you need is actually where it’s supposed to be on the shelf.

Reading Terminal MarketLocate all available on-street meter parking near the terminal with the free app. Download the 99-cent version, and there’ll be no waiting for a table at the 12th Street Cantina!

Philadelphia AirportGet the free app to tell you when your US Airways flight is really going to depart. With the full version, your plane will leave on time — and you’ll get bumped up to first class!

Special in-app purchase: Not only are you bumped up to first class, but you’re sitting next to Kevin Bacon!

Philly Sports FanDownload the lite version to gain access to your very own autographed Phillies Baseball, Eagles football and Flyers hockey stick. Spend a little more on the full version and the Phillies actually win the World Series, Eagles win the Super Bowl and Flyers win the Stanley Cup.

Shore VacationWith the free app, there’ll be no traffic on the Walt or the Ben heading out of town. If you want to guarantee there’ll be no traffic on the AC Expressway, you’re going to have to purchase the full version.

NewsWorksThe free app gets you profiled on NewsWorks. Use the full version and you’ll be profiled on NewsWorks because you’ve just won millions with that lottery ticket from WaWa!

Janet Golden is a professor of history at Rutgers–Camden and the author of “A Social History of Wet Nursing in America: From Breast to Bottle” (Cambridge University Press, 1996) and “Message in a Bottle: The Making of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome” (Harvard University Press, 2005).

Roz Warren‘s work appears in The Funny Times, Humor Times, Girlfriendz, Good Housekeeping and Beatniks from Space.