Trump visits Mexico today. What could possibly go wrong?

    Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto is shown in Mexico City on Friday

    Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto is shown in Mexico City on Friday

    The Republican presidential nominee visits Mexico today, to meet briefly with President Enrique Pena Nieto and buttress his credentials as a statesman. Here’s an exclusive advanced transcript of their photo op.

    The following is presented as satire.

    The Republican presidential nominee visits Mexico today, to meet briefly with President Enrique Pena Nieto and buttress his credentials as a statesman. Here’s an exclusive advanced transcript of their photo op.

    Trump: “We had a very strong meeting, very successful, and this guy here, Pietro – “

    Nieto: “Excuse me, it’s Nieto.”

    Trump: “The names these people have! In the first hour I’m president, we’re gonna do something about that, buhleeve me. The bottom line is – and incidentally, I’ve been very successful my whole life because I know the bottom line – the bottom line is that Chito says he’s paying for my wall.”

    Nieto: “Excuse me, this is not true. This man lies. I never said I would pay.”

    Trump: “I know what I buhleeve I heard. I heard you say it because I have the very best ears. Go ask my gastroenterologist. He’ll tell you that nobody has better ears than me.”

    Nieto: “I never said it. You imagined it.”

    Trump: “Lyin’ Chito. You said it.”

    Nieto: “No, what I said to you in private is what I’ve said in public. Your tone is like Hitler’s.”

    Trump: “Hey, lots of the people I retweet say that Hitler did some very good things. A master builder, the best. He built the German Autobahn big and beautiful. Better roads than anything I see around here, buhleeve me. But I’m a dealmaker, and I’m willing to make a deal with you. You gimmee that wall money right now, like I heard you tell me, and I’ll comp you a luxury suite for a week at my Trump Ocean Resort in the Baja. How’s that for a deal?”

    (Aide hastily whispers in his ear.)

    Trump: “The financing for that place collapsed seven years ago? Who says that, the dishonest disgusting media? Never mind, I got a better deal for this guy. He gives me the wall money today, not manana, and I give him a strong gift, the best – a big beautiful taco bowl and a DVD of ‘Three Amigos.’ Very funny, very successful sombreros.”

    Nieto: “I cannot accept such an insult.”Trump: “Then I’ll speak directly to your people. Hey you people – let’s face it, you speak lousy English, your music is weird, you sleep all day, your cities and towns are a war zone, and your food gives us the trots. So gimmee my wall money, whattaya got to lose?”

    Nieto: “I think it’s time you went home.”

    Trump: “Fine. I leave here knowing that all the people of New Mexico love me.”

    (Aide hastily whispers in his ear.)

    Trump: “New Mexico, Old Mexico, the hell’s the difference. Which one’s in NATO? Whichever one’s in NATO, I’m thrilled they’re paying for the wall, and I look forward to that money being wired to me personally and me not using it to fund my very successful campaign.”

    Trumpkins back home, watching on TV: “Yayyyyyy!”

    ——-

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