Trump visits Mexico today. What could possibly go wrong?
The Republican presidential nominee visits Mexico today, to meet briefly with President Enrique Pena Nieto and buttress his credentials as a statesman. Here’s an exclusive advanced transcript of their photo op.
The following is presented as satire.
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The Republican presidential nominee visits Mexico today, to meet briefly with President Enrique Pena Nieto and buttress his credentials as a statesman. Here’s an exclusive advanced transcript of their photo op.
Trump: “We had a very strong meeting, very successful, and this guy here, Pietro – “
Nieto: “Excuse me, it’s Nieto.”
Trump: “The names these people have! In the first hour I’m president, we’re gonna do something about that, buhleeve me. The bottom line is – and incidentally, I’ve been very successful my whole life because I know the bottom line – the bottom line is that Chito says he’s paying for my wall.”
Nieto: “Excuse me, this is not true. This man lies. I never said I would pay.”
Trump: “I know what I buhleeve I heard. I heard you say it because I have the very best ears. Go ask my gastroenterologist. He’ll tell you that nobody has better ears than me.”
Nieto: “I never said it. You imagined it.”
Trump: “Lyin’ Chito. You said it.”
Nieto: “No, what I said to you in private is what I’ve said in public. Your tone is like Hitler’s.”
Trump: “Hey, lots of the people I retweet say that Hitler did some very good things. A master builder, the best. He built the German Autobahn big and beautiful. Better roads than anything I see around here, buhleeve me. But I’m a dealmaker, and I’m willing to make a deal with you. You gimmee that wall money right now, like I heard you tell me, and I’ll comp you a luxury suite for a week at my Trump Ocean Resort in the Baja. How’s that for a deal?”
(Aide hastily whispers in his ear.)
Trump: “The financing for that place collapsed seven years ago? Who says that, the dishonest disgusting media? Never mind, I got a better deal for this guy. He gives me the wall money today, not manana, and I give him a strong gift, the best – a big beautiful taco bowl and a DVD of ‘Three Amigos.’ Very funny, very successful sombreros.”
Nieto: “I cannot accept such an insult.”Trump: “Then I’ll speak directly to your people. Hey you people – let’s face it, you speak lousy English, your music is weird, you sleep all day, your cities and towns are a war zone, and your food gives us the trots. So gimmee my wall money, whattaya got to lose?”
Nieto: “I think it’s time you went home.”
Trump: “Fine. I leave here knowing that all the people of New Mexico love me.”
(Aide hastily whispers in his ear.)
Trump: “New Mexico, Old Mexico, the hell’s the difference. Which one’s in NATO? Whichever one’s in NATO, I’m thrilled they’re paying for the wall, and I look forward to that money being wired to me personally and me not using it to fund my very successful campaign.”
Trumpkins back home, watching on TV: “Yayyyyyy!”
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