Dear valued passenger,We at Uppity Airlines are thrilled to announce our new pricing package. As you may know, from reading the news, the federal government is announcing new passenger protections that are intended to ease your flying concerns. We will be required to more clearly disclose our fees and services, and we look forward to working with the government, in a pioneering public-private partnership, to make your experience as pleasurable as possible. So we invite you to sit back, buckle up, and enjoy our new club options!The Basic Retail Steerage Club. The same wonderful fees, services, and conveniences you have been enjoying all along. Thank you for choosing Uppity.The Special Club. Includes extra pretzels (salt not included) and extra ice (liquid not included).The Elite Club. Includes extra pretzels and ice, and a maximum 90-minute tarmac waiting time.The Special Elite Club. Includes extra pretzels and ice, a maximum 60-minute tarmac waiting time, and legroom for two legs crossed at the knee.The Pampered Elite Club. Includes choice of extra pretzels or extra peanuts, a 45-minute maximum tarmac wait time, legroom for two legs uncrossed, and guaranteed baggage delivery within 48 hours. The Specially Pampered Elite Club. Includes extra pretzels plus extra peanuts, 30-minute maximum tarmac wait, uncrossed leg room, 24-hour baggage delivery, and fully awake air traffic controllers.The Exclusively Special Elite Club. Includes extra pretzels plus extra peanuts and extra ice, 30-minute tarmac wait with bathroom privileges, uncrossed leg room, baggage delivered on the carousel, and fully awake air traffic controllers with DVD players turned off.The Safe and Cocooned Club. All of the above, with bonus feature: a fatigue-free cabin roof that is guaranteed not to rip open for the duration of your enjoyment.The Mile-High Club. Our apologies, this activity is now prohibited. But, upon request at cruising altitude on all secure cabin roof flights, an on-board federal security representative will be happy to touch your junk.