Standing in the checkout line, you see plenty of magazines offering stories like “What he isn’t telling you” and “How to tell if your man is cheating.” But as November approaches, what you really need to know are …
The 15 signs that your husband is thinking of voting Republican:
1. “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” is the first item in his Netflix queue. And everything else on his “must watch” list stars either Mel Gibson or Charlton Heston.
2. “The Book of Mormon” is jotted down on a notepad by his side of the bed — and he hates Broadway shows.
3. In the throes of passion, instead of calling out your name, he calls for tax cuts.
4. He wants to name the new puppy “Mitt.”
5. His wallet is crowded with Godfather’s Pizza receipts.
6. He’s started singing John Ashcroft’s “Let the Eagle Soar” in the shower.
7. A Post-it Note by the computer reads “Google Ricksantorum.com, NOT Rick Santorum.”
8. He tells your teenaged son, “Ron Paul supports the legalization of marijuana — let’s toke up!”
9. Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin are on the MILF list hidden in his sock drawer.
10. He spends the afternoon in tears after Gov. Christie pulls out of the race. “Tears are the new macho,” he explains between sobs. “John Boehner gets weepy too, so it’s okay.”
11. He asks if the task of changing the baby’s diapers can be sent off-shore.
12. When your daughter brings her friends home from elementary school, he demands to see documentation that they’re in this country legally.
13. There’s an ASK ME ABOUT GLENN BECK bumper sticker on his car.
14. He mutters, as he hogs all the covers, that sharing the blankets is part of a socialist agenda.
15. You find a tri-corner hat hidden in the back of his closet, AND the giant box of teabags you bought at the supermarket last week have gone missing.
Janet Golden is a professor of history at Rutgers–Camden and the author of “A Social History of Wet Nursing in America: From Breast to Bottle” (Cambridge University Press, 1996) and “Message in a Bottle: The Making of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome” (Harvard University Press, 2005).
Roz Warren‘s work appears in The Funny Times, Humor Times, Girlfriendz, Good Housekeeping and Beatniks from Space.