Satire: Your right to affordable health care is Congress’ call

Let’s get something straight. Health care is not a right. It’s a privilege reserved for the wealthy.

Nobody forced you to become a silly teacher or factory worker bereft of security for your meager salary and puny benefits, now barely protected by vanishing right-to-work laws or antediluvian fragments from Taft-Hartley.

But now, and only because tens of millions of Americans may no longer be able to afford health care, Democrats (and even some rogue Republicans) are claiming Trumpcare 2.0 is a Draconian law, and they’re making a big stink about it instead of simply dying like law-abiding and patriotic Americans.

#Trumpcare’s draconian cuts to Medicaid will rollback rhe rights of persons with disabilities. Watch Live https://t.co/RKPBUNY4oS

— Senator Bob Casey (@SenBobCasey) March 22, 2017

Snowflakes call Trumpcare 2.0 “Draconian” simply because no one but Trump can afford it. Sure, an insurance company can deny coverage for a newborn with a heart defect by calling it a pre-existing condition, but ask yourself, isn’t the first struggled breath from a seriously ill baby exactly when ugly socialistic dependency starts? Some of our most admired religious leaders, blessed by Jesus with their own fleet of jets, claim original sin starts at birth, yet permissive hospitals and doctors allow infants to criminally freeload off the rest of us like tiny hobos. And then they remain freeloaders for the rest of their miserable lives, eventually joining Mexican gangs and converting to radical Islam while consuming cheap and untested street drugs rather than extremely overpriced and untested brand names by prescription, like the rest of us.

Time for the historical facts.

The “Draco” half of “Draconian” was a Greek legislator in 6th century BC and considered the Joe Arpaio of Athens. Under Draco’s written codes, if you couldn’t pay your restaurant tab after ordering a fig, you’d be sold into slavery. If you stole a fig with no intention to pay, the punishment was death… Seriously — over a fig. And not unlike 2017 AD Arkansas, 617 BC Athens didn’t utilize DNA evidence to prove a person’s innocence. It was automatic hemlock time.

In other words, consider yourself lucky to have any scraps this Congress might (accidentally) toss your way.

Now you’re thinking, “What has all this got to do with an American citizen’s desire to have access to affordable healthcare for his or her family? And why should wanting your family members to survive be a crime punishable by death … or banishment to Newfoundland? Doesn’t Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence state that we first have a right to LIFE … and then those other things?”

Oh geez! Stop already with the violins.

The answer is, your right to life is CCS — Congress’ call, stupid — and Congress gets their calling from the all-powerful butch Roman goddess Aetna. And that’s why a Viagra prescription is pretty much the only thing covered under Trumpcare … and you’re out of luck if you have breast cancer. And I don’t have to explain that logic any sooner than Congress has to explain it. Neither of us read the bill, anyway.

Sure, some would call this Congress “Draconian,” but Draco was worshipped by the stone ignorant masses of Athens. He often responded to their feral-like cheers with a further endearing, “I love the uneducated!” And Draco’s fans loved him right back. They continued to show up in slavering swarms to his pep rallies even after he was elected, just to display their full approval of his absolute cruelty.

But born from the Athenians’ unbridled love of Draco came tragedy. As the story goes, while holding one of his love-ins at the Aeginetan Theatre, Draco’s unwavering fans followed a Greek tradition and heaved hundreds of hats and heavy wool shawls on the legislator’s head to show their affection — so many that poor Draco literally suffocated under the weight of their garments.

Draco would later be interned on the site of his accidental demise.

Crazy, but you can look it up.

Now I know what some of you are fantasizing about, but before you start throwing “Make America Great Again” baseball caps and horse blankets from the House gallery to show affection for your own legislating heroes, consider the personal consequences if you’re not already a “dead man walking” due to a lack of affordable healthcare. Remember, this isn’t Greece.