Talking About Kids tips for March 12th's program, Adoption

Talking About Adoption With Children

• answer what your child asks and only what your child asks-- and explore possibilities with your child rather than try to make definitive statements
• ask your child what he or she thinks to encourage thought processes appropriate to the child's age -- you know you'll be communicating at a level you know the child understands
• value your child's ideas to support self-confidence
• don't blame the other parent for what went wrong or in any way belittle the other parent
• talking about adoption within the family is a life long process best handled as a dialogue, a two-way conversation
• let your child express his or her thoughts and feelings, acknowledge them, and be supportive
• telling an adopted child he or she is "special," and "chosen" and "we picked you out" are no longer recommended -- it is not usually true that the child was "picked out," and these labels can create in the child anxiety to live up to them --and the child may come to believe that people should treat them as "special."

  Understanding is Affected by Age and Cognitive Stages

• Preschoolers can discuss but don't comprehend that adoption is not how every child enters a family
• Elementary school-aged children:

  -want to be like everyone else so often don't want to talk about adoption in school

  -begin to ask questions about origins

  -7-year-olds begin to understand abstract questions about adoption, e.g., "Did you pay for me?" "Why did she give me away?"

  -9-year-olds begin to understand biological or "blood" relatedness, and may have loss or grief feelings

  -where ethnicity of parent and child differ, questions about identity may surface by age 9, e.g., "Who do I look like?" "Is she really my sister?"

  Discipline

• it is very important to discipline an adopted child like any other child; set limits to help him or her feel safe, and do not fear your child will want to find his or her "real" parents
• whether or not an adopted child is in a family with a biological child, discipline each in a fair way regardless of birth status

  Different Types of Adoption

• Open adoption (having information about the birth parents, and in some cases, continued contact) has pros and cons, and each family has to decide what best fits their own needs

  -it can reduce the parents' anxiety about genetic and psychological background of the child (or give important information to help understand the child)

  -may minimize the adoptee's feelings of rejection, and therefore improve relationships with adoptive parents

  -however, such information may heighten questions of "who am I" and producing the birth parents may create a relationship that could bring other issues of confusion

  -partial openness (by letters, etc.,) may provide helpful information about the child's background without creating potential problems of bonding and confusions

• International adoption

  -may require special attention and time necessary (more than you dreamed of) to ensure secure attachment

  -when adopting older or foster children, understanding your child's past is crucial to adjustment

  -do not take it personally if your child withdraws at first while he or she is adjusting to a new environment

  Post Placement Services

• for all adoptive parents, no matter what the child's age, it is beneficial to learn about normal behaviors so you have REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS of your child
• if your child is older, learn about the behavior of younger children, and understand that is normal for an adopted child to act younger than his or her age at times
• many problems can be prevented by parents who increase their knowledge of the child's personality and their own parenting skills
• THIS IS HARD WORK!! Most families want to be "like everyone else" -- take advantage of what we know about prevention. Read, talk to others, make use of educational resources.

  Elaine Frank
  Denise Rowe
  Co-Directors
  After Adoption
  Parenting Services for Families
  Ph: (215) 844-l312
  e-mail: jf2630@erols.com